New year, new realisations

Happy New Year, everyone, and welcome to 2015!
So, how's the new year treating us? Is it being nice? I hope so.

My resolutions turned to realisations.

For me, the year has gotten off to a weird start, I think. I'm not sure. I've been exhausted for quite a while now, in both body and mind, and so I've been sleeping long and just generally not being capable of much, and that exhaustion sort of followed me into the new year. And then things got weird on me, and I hit the mother of all rollercoaster days. I woke up before the alarm, so when the alarm actually did go off, I was awake and couldn't fall back to sleep. Why? My brain being overly active and being an asshole, of course. So, I got out of bed to try and distract it with all sorts of things - talking to my guest from the other side of the planet, eating, drawing, taking care of things, doing laundry, carrying stuff down into the basement - and it worked rather well. For a while.

I had to take a shower, which allowed for enough time to have my brain work on me, and as soon as I got out I just broke apart. Tears just kept on streaming as I slowly worked on trying to dress myself - I had no strength, neither physically nor mentally to do so - and when I finally got my clothes on I just collapsed on the floor and sat there, crying. I don't even know how long I cried, as the world around me just blurred out and disappeared, making me feel like I was trapped in some kind of hole that I'd never get out of. Not really the most pleasant point of the day, that.

Luckily I was torn out of that state by a knock on the door - I was hogging the bathroom, after all, and people needed to pee - so I pulled myself together and washed my face before getting out. But my energy was absolutely drained, so I just collapsed in front of the computer in an attempt to distract my mind for long enough while I regained myself. The world sort of blurred out on me again, and after a moment of long silence, I finally realized that I was alone. At some point, during my empty staring at the screen, my two roomies had left to do the things they needed to do, leaving me some well needed space. It took a while, though, before I properly managed to absorb that realisation, and so I just got out some paper and started to doodle until my mind finally reconnected.
I spent some time doodling and watching the Legend of Korra, which helped distract my mind pretty well, and I was finally reaching a better state of mind when there was some ruckus in the hallway, leading me to believe that the roomies were back. So I paused the episode and turned around - and saw nothing. I looked at my cat - she was sitting in the windowsill, staring at the hallway with her wtf face on - and then I instantly freaked out.

I'm used to all sorts of paranormal things - I've dealt with a lot of it in the past - so I never really freak out when anything happens. But this time I did. It was a major freak out, which led to a rather fragile state of mind where I got horribly paranoid and afraid of everything. Oh, so pleasant. I ended up downing a beer in one go, and then I did some ghost hunting with a sparkly pencil as my weapon (uhm, what?), and there was some ducking and rolling and whispering and freaking, and then some kid rang my doorbell, which led to a bloodcurdling scream that probably freaked the hell outta that kid, cause I stared into a pair of plate-sized eyes when I finally opened the door. He stammered out something about recycling cans, and I just told him we had none before closing the door on him. Not my shiniest moment, that.

I calmed down somewhat after making a semi-fort between the couch and the table, and wrapping a blanket around me as I got out the Wii U gamepad to play some Hyrule Warriors. The roomies arrived after a while, bringing food and a lethal milkshake that ended up backfiring pretty badly - horry sheet - and after some eating, killing, giving birth to a poop alien after the birthpains from hell - I think I reached the point where my mind broke, and everything made me giggle. I finally landed in the land of laughing fits, and I couldn't stop laughing at everything. Also, I was using one of Link's weapons, Epona (yes, a horse as a weapon, cause that's how Link rolls), and, you know, look at my horse - my horse is amazing. If you don't catch that reference, you've been to the wrong parts of the internet.

Anyway, after an eternity of laughing and goodness knows what else, I finally calmed somewhat and I dragged my exhausted body to bed. That... Was an interesting day. I'm pretty sure I visited every single type of emotion that day, giving me the mother of all rollercoaster rides, and draining me to the point where I really thought I wouldn't wake up the next day - nor did I want to.

And that night I had one of the most horrible dreams I've ever had.
It wasn't really a nightmare, or anything like that, but the realisation it brought kind of crushed me.

I had another dream night, where I kept going from dream to dream, and in the middle of all that dreaming, I got a visit. I was standing on a balcony, looking out towards Sweden in the distance, watching them shoot up fireworks, and there was a pregnant lady beside me that had held some sort of significant role in the original dream (there was one other person there as well, but I can't remember anything about him/her), and then I turned to look inside.
There was a male lion there, and I felt an instant rush of panic and fear, wondering how there could be a lion in the house, but before I could react it pounced on me, trying to bite me. I grabbed hold of it, shouting to the other two on the balcony to have them run away while I was distracting the lion, and somehow I managed to push it over the railing so it fell down to the ground. I looked down, and saw it lying on top of the corpses of two other lions, and when I looked back to the door again, there was tiger coming for me. And a lion, and a cat, and a dog, and a wolf, and every animal that I have dreamt were my protectors - my spiritual guardians. And they all attacked me, trying to kill me.

I fought them for a long time, and the dream sort of blurred into itself, until I found myself sitting on the floor, growling at the dog - a female border collie - to show dominiance. The wolf was beside me, wanting to attack, but I was somewhat keeping it at bay with my hands as I looked around me to look at the others. And then it dawned on me. My protectors, my guardians, were all attacking me because I had lost contact with myself. I did not know who I was anymore, and I was being untrue to myself, and they needed to teach me that. As I realised that, they all seemed to calm down some, though they were still hostile, and I knew that I would have to tame them all over again to have them accept me, and to find my way back to myself.

And then the dream was over.

I woke up the next day with a giant lump in my stomach, and a horrible dread eating on me. Sometimes, we have dreams that makes us wake up and think "oh, wow, that has got to mean something!" but I feel like I went beyond that. I already knew, in my dream, what the dream was trying to tell me, and that knowledge hangs over me even while awake.

So, after waking up, and some distractions, I finally sat down to properly work on my 2015 reading for the year to come. I did a reading, like the one I did last year, though not as massive, but it's been taking me a while to work on interpreting it all. That dream was just the kick in the butt that I needed to get to working on that. Which is basically what I've been doing the entire day, without any breaks.

I have to say, so far the cards - and the runes - have been telling me things I think I already knew, but that I was refusing to accept. I can see, now, what has caused me to lose touch with who I am, as there are certain areas where I have not stayed true to myself. And the most important area is this inner fight of mine that I have been ignoring these past months. This dungeon that I am still stuck in. I have yet to lift a finger to try and get myself out of here, as I've been too busy pushing all that away and focusing on other things.

I need to stop.

A full hault, in every way, and create some space. I cannot let myself be distracted by anything, or anyone, because if I keep ignoring myself, I will fall apart again, and she will win. Even my own protectors are about to turn on me, because I've been negleting them, and myself, and that in itself should be warning enough.

This year will bring about some pretty big changes, and I need to be prepared for them. I need to finish this fight of mine, and face that last boss, so that I'll be ready to take on whatever comes next. But I need to do this on my own. I can't rely on others, and, unfortunately, I can't really focus on others either. I know there are those that need me, that need my strength or my advice, but for now I need to push them all away and focus on myself. I've been so busy with everything around me, that I failed to see that I am falling apart at the seams.

I'm hanging over the edge, there is just a couple of threads left that are keeping me there, and I am so horribly close to falling, and I failed to see that.

But now I know. I'm aware of what I have done to myself, so now I can work on fixing that. First off, I'll finish interpreting this reading of mine - it's taking it's time, as there is a lot to process - and when I am done with that, and I've got it posted (I'll probably get it up tomorrow, or maybe even later tonight), then I'll need to sit down for a long time and think. You know, in about 4 days, I'm going to host my own birthday party, and I haven't done anything about it, because it, along with myself, have been completely ignored. Time to take charge again, and focus on me, myself, and I. And the rest of us.

I'll be 30 in a little over a week from now - the 15th of January. And I've now been awake for three whole years. I can't lose sight of the big picture in this, after all of the work I've done these past three years. It wouldn't be fair to myself, or anyone else for that matter. Stand your ground, stay your course. Keep on fighting, but do so for your own sake, and not for anyone else's.

I live for me. Not for the world.