IX The Hermit

I slept until noon today. It felt good, cause I was pretty exhausted, for a lot of reasons. This is my first full day of not having someone around me, and it's both really odd as well as really great. For over a month now, I've had someone there, and that's not something I'm used to. I'm used to being alone. That's sort of how I grew up, and got used to, and because of that I feel comfortable when I am on my own. I kind of prefer it. And now I feel like I need to take a lot of time to myself, and play the Hermit for a while.

I'm sad, though, for a lot of obvious reasons. It was heartbreaking, having to break up with my now ex girlfriend, both because I care for her and don't want to hurt her, and also because it was nice to feel that I could love someone else and have them love me in return. Still unsure of my feelings, but I'm growing more and more confident that it was the right thing to do. We need space, and time to figure ourselves out. She, more than anything, needs to figure herself out, and I want her to do that without me colouring her. Me, and my other selves, can be pretty dominant and we've got some strong personalities that can easily end up influencing others in ways we don't want to. And I just don't want that for her, cause I want her to be 100% fully herself. So, yeah. It was the right thing to do.

I'm also horribly heartbroken about having to say good bye to my dearest friend. She started her journey back to New Zealand yesterday morning, and so we parted ways at the train station down in Trondheim - she headed down south to the air port and I headed back up north. It was horrible, and I was sad the entire trip back home, cause I really didn't want to say good bye to her.

She is my closest and dearest friend, which she has been for many, many years. We first met online, in December 2005, on a site called GaiaOnline. I had my own guild there that slowly turned into a massive roleplaying guild, and it wasn't long before she became one of my admins. I think it was late 2007 that she first came to visit me and the boyfriend I had at the time in Norway, and she spent Xmas with us and greeted the new year - and celebrated my birthday - before she headed back home again. And in 2009 I travelled all the way to New Zealand to visit her and her family. I stayed there for about 3 months, and those months did so much for me. They helped me get perspective on a lot of things, and the trip in itself changed me a lot - both physically as well as mentally. And the two of us became even closer as friends.

I used to call her my Summerbird, because when she visited me the first time she had a thing for butterflies, and I told her that the Norwegian name for them literally translates into summerbirds, and so that sort of just became her nickname. But yesterday, on the train, I realized that she's not my summerbird. She's my Bluebird. And if you don't get that reference then either you haven't seen K-Pax (go do it, it's my favourite movie!), or you have seen it and just didn't get that part of it and what it really meant. But yes, she is my Bluebird, and has been for quite a while. She always helps me stay on track, and she's been a support for me in a way no one else has. She truly is the most treasured person I have in my life, cause no one has ever been such a dear and supportive friend to me like she has.

Having her visit just really reminded me of how much I care about her, and why I care about her - she really is the most amazing person on this planet, no doubt about that - and I really wish I could see her more often. She's been talking about maybe moving here to Norway, at least for a year to see what it's like, and every single atom in my body wholeheartedly wants that. She's the only person I never mind having around me. She spent a month here, living in my home, and I never got sick or tired of her. Quite the opposite - if she hadn't been here then I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have managed to get through this past month. Her presence is not a burden in any way, and she doesn't drain me like most people do. There's no doubt in my mind that she's the best friend I could ever dream of having.

She's my Bluebird.
That's just the way it is.


I'm tired today. I've got a lot to take care of - both around the apartment as well as in my life in general - but I don't feel like doing anything. I'm out of money anyway, so I have to wait until I get money again before I can do anything. There's no energy left in me right now, so I'm just going to take the day to relax a little and shut the world out for a while. I think I need it after everything that's been going on around here. I do have half a battle plan that will be set into motion next week, but I'm not even going to think about it today. Tomorrow is Monday, and a good day to start putting things into motion, so I'm going to leave everything that needs to be done to be taken care of tomorrow.

And I think I'm going to pay attention to that reading I did on myself, and try to follow it as closely as possible. It clearly states that the beginning of the year is a time of quiet and contemplation, so I'm going to play the Hermit and keep to myself for a while. You know, retreat and regroup. I've got a lot ahead of me - that boss fight being the number one thing I'm dreading - and I need this quiet time to just think about things and sort things out within myself. And I'm also going to focus on my work more than anything this year, because I really want to get somewhere with it. I have a lot of plans for it, and I feel confident that this is the year where I'll finally get to reach the goals I've set for me.

I'm tired. Oh, so tired. I want to go to sleep, and just sleep for the rest of my life. I want to leave this world and seek out another one, and never look back. I want to escape everything that makes me tired, and find something better.

But I'll be okay. I know I've got friends and family - my darling loved ones - and my companions, and I get the strength that I need from them all. I know they'll never let me down, and I know they'll come running if I ask for their aid. I'll be okay. I'll manage. I just need to play the Hermit for a while, and I'll figure things out.

I'm tired, but I'll be fine.