I'm really zombiefied today. For the first time in ages, I actually had a nightmare this morning. And yeah, I say this morning cause I had a really hard time falling asleep. Last time I checked the clock it was 4:30 AM... But yes, nightmare. Can't even remember the last time I had one, so I feel somewhat out of it now.
Some years ago, I had this guy that was kind of stalking me. He never really did anything bad towards me. He just made me really uncomfortable, to the point where others even reacted, and so my biological father told him to fuck off. Haven't seen him since. And then this morning, I had a nightmare about him. At first he was just following me around, but then he started chasing me. And I was really, really scared! I tried screaming for help, but as it is in dreams, when you try to scream your throat swells up and you can't make a sound. I kept running, through stores and whatnot, trying to push things over so he'd trip and get slowed down. And I kept changing. The more scared I got, the more I changed into someone else. A person I used to be several years ago that was anxious and afraid all the time. And I was terrified! When I finally saw some police cars, I was crying hysterically and trying to get their attention so they'd save me.
I woke myself up by actually whimpering out loud in my sleep cause I was crying so hard in the dream. And for a moment or two, I was really, really uncomfortable and unsure of who I was. I managed to shake the feeling off pretty fast, but it was still really uncomfortable. Now I'm really, really exhausted, mentally.
But I suppose it'll get better once I wake up more properly.
*insert coffee-sipping sounds here*
My membership papers from The Norwegian Fibromyalgia Association arrived the other day. I was as excited as a little kid when I opened them up and started looking through it all, thinking that this is a good thing and it will help me. But after a while, after I had been reading one of the small booklets that came with the papers, I just started crying. It just became so real.
I'm still struggling with accepting this diagnose. I'm still kind of in denial, thinking that things may be bad right now, but I'll find a cure and then magically I'll be okay again. So, reading all the tips on how to deal with the days to come, since they won't be the same from now on, it just punched me in the face. This isn't going away. There's no magical cure that can fix it. This is my life now. And that... Is just really hard to swallow.
I know I need to accept this. I need to accept it, find a way to handle it, and move forward and learn how to live with it. I know that. And I will do so. It'll just take me a while to get there. To get ready for accepting this. The steps up to that point are hard ones.
Then there's also the fact that I'm totally PMSing and oversensitive these days, so haha.
Anywho!
Guess what I bought myself as a birthday present!
A friggin Wii U special Premium Pack with Wind Waker HD!
It's the most awesome thing in the entire universe. You know what I named it? WiiUtiful. Haha! Best. Name. Ever. And, omg, it really is beautiful! I don't regret for a single second that I bought it. Totally made myself the happiest person in the world, I did. I spent almost all of yesterday just sqealing over it and setting it up. Right now, it's the most amazing console I've ever tried.
My sisters dropped by in the middle of setting it up, with a friend of theirs, cause one of them had a birthdaypresent for me, and when they left, the other sister just stayed behind. We were going to finish setting up the Wii U and just relax, but that plan totally changed. It usually does, when me and her spend an evening together.
I mentioned that I wanted to do some rearranging in the livingroom, and after talking a bit, we just went berserk and completely rearranged it! It took us two hours of laughing and moving stuff around, but the place looks completely different now. I moved the desk to the other side of the room, creating a new office corner for myself, and placed the TV where the desk used to be and made an actual TV corner, dividing the room into two using the couch. It looks great! I'm really, really pleased.
After that we made pizza and set up Netflix on my gorgeous WiiUtiful, and spent the rest of the evening watching a movie. It was really nice and cozy after a lot of work, so I'm really satisfied with the entire evening.
Then I had a rather surprising comment waiting on me when I went to do the last checkings online before turning off the computer. I'm pretty sure it was meant to make me feel bad, and it really should've affected me pretty negatively. But it didn't. The first second, when I saw who it was from, my stomach fell, yes, but as I read it I couldn't help but smile and laugh. It made me realize a couple of things about certain people, and how they live in their own imaginary world of how things are. And as I closed the window and turned off the computer, I just shook my head. Okay, good for you for believing that that's the way it is. I'm sure it makes you happy, and I'm glad. And now I feel 100% free of any last traces of guilt I possibly could've had. My mind is at ease, I feel truly and honestly content and happy, and I'm just smiling. That comment chopped off the last strings tying me up, so it really just did me a favour. Thanks!
No, really. Thanks. I can't even remember the last time I felt this free.
And it's a fantastic feeling.
Then I snuggled in under my blanket and played with my WiiUtiful! My gawd, that thing is gorgeous. I made some Miis, checked out some of the features, downloaded Wind Waker HD, and then tried out the game a bit before going to sleep. It's so frigging amaziiiing! I swear, I had to bite my tongue to keep from sqealing and waking the neighbours. Best. Buy. Ever!
I plan to do some more fondling today, when I've done a bit of tidying up.
Heh, the place is a mess right now, after all the rearranging.
And, also, I've made a decision that has left me quite a lot of work I want to start on.
I've decided to do something I never, ever thought I'd do. I swore to myself that no matter what, I'd never do it. But while trying to fall asleep last night, I got to thinking, and that's when I decided. I'm going to rewrite my stories.
It's a pretty tough decision, cause, as I said, I swore I'd never change them, cause these stories are such an important part of my past, but I think it's the right thing to do if I'm going to keep writing unhindered. I'm going to remove a lot of characters, names and places, and even events, and replace them with others. The reason for this is that even though the largest part of my stories and the people in it all come from, there are certain other elements that comes from someone else. And out of respect to that someone, I'll remove all elements coming from that person. It just doesn't feel right using them.
It's kind of a bittersweet feeling, and I'm a bit torn about it. On one side, it makes me sad, cause a lot of the people in my stories that I'll now be removing are people I love very dearly. From the bottom of my heart, I love them, and I know I always will love them. They mean the world to me. So it's sad to replace them, and in a way it's wrong to do that to them - you know, writing out all the things they did, and the impact they had on me - but if I am going to continue writing, I have no other choice. The one upside of this, however, is that this leaves me 100% in control. Everything in my stories will now come from me, and I can change things that didn't flow as well, to make it more reasonable to others that can't see inside my head. I'll still know the true stories, in my heart, and I'll always treasure them, but if I'm ever going to make reality of them and maybe even publish something, then they need this change.
But this has left me while a big pile of OMFGloads of work. The worst part is that I now have to sit down and forcefully create a bunch of characters, which is something I've never done. All the people in my stories are ones that has just dropped in on me and asked to be a part of my life. I've never created a character on purpose before. It feels a bit false, actually. Like they won't be real people, like the others. They'll be just simple characters with no soul. And that feels weird. But it's a challenge, and I'm gonna take it and make the best out of it.
So now I'm gonna sit down and get something to eat, and another cup of coffee, and see if I can't make myself some useful notes. Maybe this'll help me focus more on my work, so I suppose this is just a really good thing.
It's hard not to stay positive, haha.
Have a fantastic day, my darlings! Love you all~
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