My social self

You know, people always assume that I am a very social person, for some reason. Apparently I just have one of those social faces or something, cause even strangers stop me in the middle of the street just to talk to me, for random reasons. And yes, that actually does happen a lot. Most of you might not think this weird, but I do. In all honesty, I'm not really a social person. I prefer to be on my own. Always have, probably always will.

I suppose it's because of the way I dress, and how I am around people. I know I dress in very bright and lively colours - a lot of the strangers that stop me do so just to compliment me on that - and I am always smiling when I'm out in public. I smile to people working at the stores I shop at, and I even smile at people that pass me on the street. And when I'm hanging out with people I know, I am cheerful and talkative, and when I'm partying I really let myself loose and just have fun with whomever I'm with. Out in the open, I suppose I am an extremely social and welcoming person. A lot of people tell me I could easily work in places that deal with customer service because of how I am, and the way I'm always smiling and being polite and respectful towards strangers. I suppose they're right.

But because of how I am out in the open, people tend to misunderstand the way I am. They think I'm like that all the time, and that I'm generally a very social person that has a lot of friends and likes hanging out a lot. And that's not true. I'm only social when I'm out and around people, and mostly that's because I've been raised to be a polite and respectful person, but also because I generally am very positive and cheerful and I like showing that when I'm around others. When I'm hanging out with people, I am social and an open person and I like having fun with others. When I'm not around other people, on the other hand, I'm kind of anti-social.

I rarely invite people over, cause my home is very private to me, and it's my safe-zone and my bubble. I'd rather not have anyone disturb that bubble, cause to me it's extremely important that I have that one safe place where I don't have to deal with anyone. I'm extremely introverted at times, and prefer to have a lot of time to myself. That's why it's really hard for me to live with anyone else, because I'm so dependent on that private time where no one else is around. I need to be able to sit for hours, talking to myself or the walls or the screen, just focusing on things that are important to me. Without that time, I'll go nuts.

I often get that "long time, no see! What happened since you dropped off the face of the earth?" kinds of comments when I see people that I haven't seen in a while, cause they can't seem to understand how such a social person as myself haven't kept in touch daily. I give them all sorts of excuses, mainly blaming my apartment and the renovations these days, because it's easier than trying to explain how I'm actually not a social person. Sure, if I'm out, and my mind is set on being around people and being social, then I really am social. But if my mind is not set on it, and I haven't had time to prepare myself for dealing with people, then being social just stresses me out to the point where I get really freaked out. I get anxious, I get irritated, I get exhausted, and often it makes me really depressed. It's hard for me to deal with people! Always has been, to the point where I've had to deal with severe social anxieties at times. It's better now, but it still leaves me anxious whenever I know I have to deal with people.

I just have to apologize, to the people that want to come over and hang out with me, cause I don't mean it to be rude or mean to people. I don't invite them over because I don't like them or don't want to hang out with them. It's not that. It's just that I need my private time, and my home is as private as can be. Seriously, if I invite anyone into my home, then it's pretty special! I honestly don't like having people over.

I prefer visiting others, but I do very little of that, unfortunately. That's mainly because it's difficult for me to get around since I don't have a car, and now it's extra difficult because of my health being what it is. I get tired very easily, and being around people drains me a lot. But, that being said, if I'm having a good day, and a way to get back and forth, then visiting others is not a problem for me. As I said, I prefer that. But what I prefer the most, is meeting up with people if I'm already out. Either meeting in town, having a coffee at a café or something, or if someone has invited people over for a social event - most likely a party. Cause, in those cases, my mind is already set on being social and meeting people, so my social self comes out to play.

My advice, to people in general, is that if they want to hang out with me they should invite me over, preferably a couple of days in advance so I get time to plan how to get back and forth and to have my mind set on being social, and not to expect too much in case I'm having a bad day. If they want to meet me in town, again, ask me a couple of days in advance, or at least the day before, so I can plan and get my mind set. I know I'm really bad at making contact with others, calling them or texting them, so it's wrong of me to expect others to always make that contact with me, and I wish I could say that I'd get better at it, but I know that I won't. That being said, I'll never stop caring about the people around me, and if I am in a good mood and want to meet up, then I will let them know.

I suppose my whole point of this entry is to just let people know that I am pretty introverted, so even though I tend to appear very social and open out in public, they can't really expect that from me all the time. More realistically, they can only expect that of me around 30% of the time, cause the remaining time I prefer to be on my own.

Just, remember that even if I'm not being social and contacting you regularily, I still care about you all, and I still love you all. I'm just not one of those people that show it very often.