I'm not sure why, but there's always been something about mirrors. All my life, I've had this.. I don't even know what to call it. Fascination? Not quite. I just feel like there's something about them. Sometimes they do fascinate me, while other times they scare me. And certain times in my life, they've terrified me and left me shaking with fear. But most of the time they just get me curious. What is it about mirrors? Why do they always give me this odd feeling? Is it just me, or is this common?
My mum has told me that when I was a little kid and she lost me in town, she didn't really worry cause she just had to go to the nearest clothing store to find me again. I was always in the dressing room, in front of the mirror. Apparently I had a thing for watching myself in the mirror when I was a kid. Now, of course, I can't remember what that was like, cause it's a long time ago, but for as long as I actually can remember, I've had this issue where I can't see myself in the mirror.
I know that sounds weird, but it's true. The reflection I see in the mirror has never been me. Ever. That's one of the reasons for why I dye my hair and get tattoos and piercings and stuff that changes my appearance. I want to try and force the reflection to show ME. Now, if I were to look at this from a distance and think rationally, I'd say that it's just my perception of myself that has always been wrong, which could be true, yes. That is definitely a logical option. But that still doesn't change the fact that mirrors give me this weird feeling.
Most of you know that I've been completely bonkers in the past. I've had my periods where I've gone batshit crazy, and I don't deny that. I know I've had my problems, and that my sanity has been a bit wobbly. And during those periods, I couldn't stand looking into mirrors. It scared the crap outta me that I didn't see myself. That my reflection was someone else - someone I didn't even recognize. I remember at one point, when I lived with my ex, that she had to cover up all the mirrors in the house or I'd panic and break down. All because the woman that met my eyes in the mirror was someone I had no idea who was.
I also used to see things in the mirror. This was many years ago, when I lived in another town, and I had one of the worst periods of my life - mainly because no one knew about what was going on with me - and I lived by myself. I had kind of accepted that the woman in the mirror was someone else, so I was kind of dealing with it, but there were other things in there. Now, I never really saw the things properly, so I have no idea what kind of things they were, but they definitely weren't normal things to see in a mirror. There was a lot of things in that sentence, haha! Anyway...
I used to have this idea that mirrors were portals into other worlds. Not as in other dimensions, like in my stories, but like a different kind of frequency. I think that's why, in movies and such, people always see the ghosts and the monsters in the mirrors. You don't see them at first, but you can see their reflection. And then there's the legend about Bloody Mary, and many others like it. It's as if the mirrors show our world, but a different kind of version of it where the "supernatural" things exist. You know, ghosts and things like that. They all exist within our world, but on a different frequency, which explains why we can't see them. The mirrors, however, functions as a kind of window into that frequency. It helps us see the different version of our own world.
I don't know. It's one of my crazy theories.
But it's a fascinating theory.
The reason for this entry is because I had a strange experience the other day, with a mirror. Now, to others, it may not have been strange, but considering my general experience with mirrors, it was anything but common. I looked at my reflection, and there was a moment where it almost changed, and I actually saw myself. I saw the person I recognize as myself.
This is the first time that has ever happened to me. As I've already said, I've never seen my own reflection in the mirror. I've seen a lot of different women in there, some even looking like they weren't even human, but never myself. The woman I usually see on a daily basis looks like she could maybe be my sister or something. She looks similar to me, but she's not me. So, having that one moment where I actually saw myself, it was really weird. On one side, it was kind of scary, cause it has never happened before, but on the other side it felt really good.
Now, again, to look at this from a distance with a rational way of thinking, you could say that it's my perception of myself that's causing this. Maybe, for a moment, my perception of myself changed into what it should be, and that made me see myself, while on a daily basis that perception is off. I don't know. It sounds logical, and a part of me want to jump on that explanation, cause it's an easy explanation. But the rest of me... Well, we all know I'm not known for being a logical person with a normal views of things.
So, what is it about mirrors? Am I just bonkers in my own little way, with a fucked up perception of myself, or is there actually something else going on? Do I actually see what mirrors really are? And is it just me, or is this common? I can't help but wonder.
What is really there, behind our reflection? What do you guys see? Please feel free to share your thoughts on the subject with me, either in the comment section below, or through facebook or mail, or call me up and talk about it on the phone. I'd love to hear what you think about the matter. And I welcome all kinds of thoughts, be them rational ones about me just being bonkers, or "unrational" ones about mirrors actually being more than just something that's supposed to show our reflection.
Thanks for reading~
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