Marching towards the end

March is nearing it's end now. For some reason I expected this month to be a good one, and I'm disappointed in the fact that I was wrong. It was just like any other month, boring and lonely, and I made no real progress to brag about on the areas I want to make progress. I just hope next month will be better...

My social circle is next to non existent. Just about the only place I'm social is online, and even there I'm being avoidant. I so envy people who manage to stay social and keep friends, more than anyone will ever understand, cause I want so badly to have what they have. A social life. Friends to hang out with. And most of all, the lack of anxiety that holds you back. I think I've gotten to a point where I quite honestly hate my anxiety. Like really hate it. It is literally ruining my life, and killing me from the inside. Stupid thing.

So yeah, even though I've made a lot of progress on other areas with my self-therapy, it looks as if I've had a major setback on my social areas. These days it's hard just going online, cause my social anxiety flares up for no real reason at all. I've started avoiding online sites where I might end up talking to people. If that isn't a setback, then I don't know what is. *sigh*
But I'm still pushing myself a lot, hoping that I'll somehow overcome this. I'm trying real hard to force myself to go online, making comments and status changes on FB, and posting replies to people on GO, as well as answering notes and such on dA. I can't really say it's going great, but that doesn't mean I'll stop forcing myself. Somehow, I'm gonna get to a point where I can go online and even chat with people without chocking on my own anxiety. And when that point's behind me, I'll work my way towards being able to text people, and then work towards being able to call them. After that, I hope I'll be able to work my way towards being able to meet people and walk into town on my own without the constant anxiety threatening to kill me.

But I know it's a long way to go. Especially now that I've exhausted myself with the way I've been pushing myself with this whole self-therapy thing. Two weeks of constant pushing, and then I fall flat on my face, too exhausted to keep going. So, lately I've done nothing but sit and stare at the TV, shutting the world out. I'm just too tired to deal with anything at all.

I've learned that I'm good at hiding things. People always say I come across as a confident and social being, that's not afraid of standing out, and they're all impressed with me. It's good to hear such things, even though they're so far away from the truth as one can get. I suppose it's a pride thing. I don't want people to see how weak I am, and how bad things are, so I hide it by acting confident and well. And, then there's the thing about me not wanting others to worry about me. They've got enough on their plates with their own troubles, so why should I bother them with mine? No, it's better to just pretend everything's okay and deal with it all on my own. Yeah, I know, it doesn't really give me the "honesty of the year" award, but at least I don't have to feel bad about bothering others with all my issues. Cause I know how bothersome my issues can be...

I just wish I had courage, confidence, and that I could have faith in myself. I wish I had strength. The strength to be confident and do what I want. The strength to be social and make friends I can spend time with. The strength to catch love instead of letting it slip away. I just want to be a strong person. One it's worth caring about, and fighting for.

Yeah, I know, a bit depressive entry this time. I'm just tired and down lately, so it's hard to focus on the good things. And it's a bit annoying to discover that I've had such a major setback when I thought I was making progress. It just ruins that good feeling I had.

Hopefully this'll pass, and next month'll be a good one, so I can have something good to write about next time.