I feel like I'm at the end of my rope now, and still things are growing more difficult. It's my anxiety that's killing me, and these days I hardly even dare to go online cause I fear I might fall apart. I even have to force myself to call my own mother, that's how bad it is. I'm shivering all over, all the time, and the fear is a giant claw wrapped around my chest and stomach, making it difficult to breathe and painful to move. I've been reduced to a wrecked ball of nerves, and all I can do is sit in the corner of my couch and stare at the room. I don't even cry. Don't have the nerves to.
I do try my best to ignore it, and act as if I'm okay. Go to town with mum every now and then, meet and talk to my sisters when they're at work, and yet on the inside it's like a giant wall of bricks is about to come tumbling down on top of me. I have a weekly appointment with my psychologist, and I show up there every week and talk to her about things, and I can tell by the way she looks at me (and how she randomly calls me just to check up on me) that she's worried. Can't say I blame her, cause I'm seriously worried myself. I thought I was making progress, but then I just hit a wall. And now I'm not even walking anymore. I'm dangling from some edge.
Maybe I need some contact person that can check up on me a couple of times a week, or something. I don't know. I really do wish I had someone there for me, whom I could contact when things got bad. Though, knowing myself and this anxiety, I doubt I'd dare even contact such a person when I can't even contact those closest to me. The truth is, that I don't really have anyone at all that I can turn to and depend on. I have people I know of, a couple of close friends, but not really anyone I feel I can lean on. It's probably my own fault, for not being able to stand being a burden to others (and I really do feel like a burden, honestly) so instead of contacting people I just stay away. Don't want to trouble them. I know I'm a difficult and demanding person, especially now that I'm as sick as I am, so I completely understand that no one can be bothered taking on that burden of being around me. I don't blame anyone for it. I just blame myself for being me.
But, oh gawd, how I wish things were different. That I had close friends that would suddenly show up at my door and insist that I come to town with them or that they want to come in and spend time with me, just because they want and need my company. Friends who knew what I'm like, how difficult I can be, and still didn't care cause they wanted some of my time. It's probably my own fault for not having close friends like that, due to my anxiety holding me back, and just generally me being who I am. I just wish it wasn't so.
Right now all I manage to do is shut the world out and pretend it's not real. The world doesn't exist. Even when I'm outside my own door, making a short trip to town or something, I just pretend it's all a dream. That when I get back home, I'll wake up and the rest of the world is gone. Everything that is, is my apartment and the things within it.
It's a sad way to live, but right now it's the only way I know how to live. I don't have the nerves to do anything else. I don't have the nerves to live. I only exist, if even that.
I honestly don't want this.
But what can I do, when I'm too scared to do anything?
Baby steps love, baby steps.
SvarSlettHuff, som jeg bare kune ønske at du enda bode i Mosjøen.. her er det syke stalker tendenser som kommer opp, men jeg har fulgt med deg i noen år, først bare sån random, så på nett, via blogger og vidioer og andre nettsider..
Jeg kan ikke si at jeg har den fjerneste ide om hva du går igjenom, men jeg ser så mange andre likhetstrek ute å går.
vi har en fantasi de fleste kune misunt oss, vi har tiltros for motgang, en vilje som drar oss fremover, vi lever nok i to helt forskjelige verdner du og jeg, men samtidig har vi noen til feles..
sorg og ensomhet.
og en fantastisk evne til å vise det stikk motsate til de som er oss nær.. så ja, her siter jeg, en husmor i en annen by, med et helt annet liv og holdning.
men det er alikevel en grunn til at jeg er stalkeren din =)
jeg elsker måten du ordleger deg, det er som du bare via ord kan dryppe tårer og blod, og innestengte følelser og frustrasjoner. og det har grepet meg fulstendig..
så aldri tro at det ikke er noen der ute som følger med deg og undrer seg hver dag om hvordan du har det ^^
klem
*hugs*
SvarSlettIt sounds like you're going through a rough patch right now. It's good to see that you're able to talk about it - even if it only eases the pain just a little, a little is so much better than nothing! Remember that it won't stay like this all the time, it's just right now. Stick through it. <3