Oh, hi! I'm rambling.

Have you ever been so bored, that you've ended up doing absolutely nothing at all?


You want to draw something, and you look at the empty paper in front of you and your pencils, your head swimming with images you want to capture, and the pencil feels like it weighs a hundred ton in your hand. You just can't seem to move the hand at all, and all those fancy images in your head just end up swimming around without ever getting out.
You want to write something, and you open up a new document on your computer, words flickering back and forth within your mind like a thousand fireflies going haywire, and your hands feel like they've frozen over the keyboard. You can't seem to move them so you can type a single thing, and all those fireflies in your head just flicker around without getting caught.
You want to play a game, and the gaming console is right there in front of you and the controller neatly fit into your hand, and you can feel every atom in your body already getting in sync with the game movements you're all too familiar with, and you can't move a single muscle. You just sit there, the controller being far too heavy to move around, and stare at the black TV screen without being able to do anything at all.
You want to watch anime, the entertaining dialogs already cut out in your brain like a knife cut out words into wood, and the typical anime movements already a part of your system and making you move just like the characters you're eager to watch, and you just end up staring at the screen without even managing to look up the anime you want to see. You're done catching up with the shows you follow, and can't seem to get yourself to look up any new ones.

You know what I'm talking about? You're too drained to draw or write, feeling too out of it to game, have no anime you feel like watching, and all in all you're bored out of your skull and want to do anything and everything, but can't find a single speck of energy to do anything but stare at your computer screen and just pray something exciting happens.

Yeah, that would be just any other normal day for me.

My life isn't really interesting, that's for sure. But, there are reasons for that, naturally, and if you can be bothered to keep on reading even though you're probably already wanting to claw your eyes out, I'll tell you a little about myself. And my awesomely exciting life.


So, hi.

I am a female Norwegian at the age of 26. I consider myself to be pansexsual, and I am single and live by myself in a tiny apartment I've bought. I'm a gaming chick, and probably pretty nerdy, and I love drawing and writing and generally designing things. Gaming and design are my passions, and my dream is to one day own my own gaming company. If you're gonna dream, you gotta dream big! Hah! And I collect keys. They're my sick obsession, and if someone is stupid enough to leave their house keys or car keys out in front of me then they can consider them lost. I. Love. Keys. Which should be pretty obvious just by reading the name of my blog. Keyjester is a common online nick I use, and I think it suits me. I also got a thing for jesters, go figure.

People tell me I'm weird, and that's probably true. Got a lot of strange stuff in my head, and quite often those strange things escape and scare the shit outta those around me. I love bright colours, and my outfits often look like something taken out of a game or an anime, cause I tend to dress somewhat unusual. I dress based on my mood, and my mood is known to swing more violently than a roller coaster gone completely haywire. You've been warned. Ah, and yes, then there's the issue of me being utterly insane. Don't you just love life?

I don't have a job, and haven't had one for well over a year. I am, as they say, too "sick" to have a proper job. What that means? Well, I've been troubled all my life by various psychological issues, and this has, unfortunately, made me pretty incapable of functioning as a normal human being. I am diagnosed with a heavy depression, and even put on medication for that (after about a year of trying to talk me into trying it out), so I've had a lot of heavy periods in my life. I get sad very easy, needless to say, and some days are worse than others. I've also been diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder, so I'm lucky enough to be beaten to death by random anxiety attacks every now and then, just for the fun of it. I have been diagnosed with a severe Avoidant Personality Disorder, as well as a Dependent Personality Disorder, so I avoid confrontation and social contact, even though I'm highly dependent on people. I also got a slight hint of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, cause certain things (like my kitchen cabinets or grocery bags or pencil case) needs to be perfectly organized or I'll freak out. They've also considered (but not decided on. Yet.) ADHD, Bipolar disorder, Dissociative Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Or something like that. All in all, my sanity is a bundle of joy to behold.

As I've said, my depression have given me a lot of heavy periods in my life where I've been extremely down. The past year have been one of my worst ones so far, just to have that said. The anxiety goes hand in hand with my depression, and I've had a lot of trouble with specifically social phobia and things like that. But, the worst troubles I've had are the periods where I've completely lost myself, not recognizing my own name and face, developing different personalities, and the times where I've started seeing and hearing things that aren't there. Always a lot of fun to sit alone in your apartment and see things crawling out of the walls and you know they're all out to get you. That... Doesn't go well with my anxiety, but I'm sure that speaks for itself. I've also been considered suicidal on several occasions, and not without reason. Sometimes, when my head becomes too unbearable, all I want to do is put a bullet through my brain. Just end everything, and escape. My life isn't worth much anyway.

Oh, and yeah, I've got the worst self-esteem ever. My worth is less than the crap you don't even want to step on. Wee!

So, how I've managed to live this long with all this shit? Nyah... I'm stubborn? Even when I'm ready to just give up, there's one tiny little part of me that goes "Damn it all to hell! I'm GONNA make it!" and refuse to let me die. And I manage to sometimes find joy in the smallest things, and that keeps me going a lot. Though, mostly I'd say it's my conscience. I simply do not have the conscience to leave certain people - that mean the world to me - behind and just take off. I've got friends, and family, that care for me, and for them, and them alone, I live my life. The ones closest to me, that I love the most, is my nearest family (especially my mum and siblings), my bestest friend in the whole wide world (whom I share worlds with), and my awesome online friends that always manage to keep me going. For them, I'd do anything. Even stay alive.

I complain a lot, by the way. I mostly end up writing blog entries when I feel like ranting, and don't have anyone to talk to. And I quite often feel like ranting, and despite having many good friends I often can't seem to bring myself to turn to anyone when I need to talk. You've been warned.

Oh, and, yeah. This isn't my first blog. Heh...
I just got a bit bored, and decided to do something new and exciting!

My previous blogs? Weeeell... They're full of ranting and all sorts of shit, but whatever.
If you're bored, and need something freaky to read, here they are:
http://aswaworld.blogspot.com/
http://wargmo.blogspot.com/ (Norwegian blog, btw)
http://asw-key.blogspot.com/

So, there you have it. Following this blog, and reading whatever shit gets spewed out here, is done entirely on your own responsibility. I can't guarantee it'll be a safe ride, ever, and I won't take responsibility if something goes wrong. This is where I'll be posting my thoughts and feelings, whatever they may be, and just randomly rambling down the honest truth I never dare share with anyone up front. As I said, I have problems with confrontations, and I never tell people how I really feel. This, this thing right here, is how I get things out. So, if you truly want to know what's really going on inside my head, this is the place to keep tabs on.

Thank you for your time, welcome back, and have a safe trip home!
*hands you a bag of candy*

~KeyJester

EDIT:
Okay, you know, I'm weird.

Just spent the last couple of hours reading through all of my three older blogs, and my gawd there's a lot of weird shit to be found in there. The first one is filled with nothing but heartache and whining and self-pity and disaster, while the second one (the Norwegian one) is filled with so much random rambling that I actually just laughed all the way through it. The last one is probably the most reasonable one, but there's still just a lot of complaining. I seriously complain a lot. But, I also see that these past years have really been hell on me. Reading through those blogs is not something I recommend for anyone other then those with a dying need to know how my life has been like behind the public mask I've been wearing. It's not a pretty sight.

I'm just amazed I'm still alive after all that shit I've been dragging myself through.