Analyze it - Brick by brick

I've been getting some praise from my psychologist for starting a type of self-therapy all on my own. It wasn't a request, or a tip, from her that made me do it, but just me finally finding something within myself that I didn't even knew I was looking for. And ever since I found that thing, I've been working very hard inside my own head, trying to figure things out.

It's not an easy thing, that much must be said, and these past weeks have been extremely tough on me. Sure, I've tried my best to not let it show, but I've had a really rough time lately, trying to figure out some things about myself, all on my own. Why I'm keeping this up? Well, I suppose I've just led my life thinking that "okay, so there's something wrong with me, and nothing I can do about it" and it just makes me kind of think that I don't care enough about myself. Yeah, there's a lot of things that are wrong with me, but why shouldn't I bother with the effort of figuring out what's wrong, and what I can do to fix it? Sure, it's a long way to go to figure things out, but it's about damned time I cared enough about myself to actually start walking.

Safe to say, a lot of thoughts have been going through my head lately. Not a lot of nice thoughts, I'll admit, but they're probably necessary thoughts in this process. I suppose the most important thought I've started thinking is "why?" above anything else. It's a thought that forces me to dive a little deeper into my head, and analyze a lot of things.

And this is what I've been doing. Analyzing. I'm analyzing every single thing inside my head, bit by bit, and every single though I have, and everything that's behind those thoughts. It's a slow process, yes, but at least it's a start. I've gotten to analyze a lot of things so far, and I've gotten some surprising results. Of course, not all of the results have been surprising, but at least some are. All in all, I've learned that this analyzing thing that I am doing can be really good for me, and I'm hoping that down the end of this line I'll finally find something good inside myself that'll make me feel a bit better about myself and my life.

I'll tell you one thing that was a lot of fun to analyze and find an answer to; my sexuality. I know a lot of people won't believe me when I say this, but I've struggled for years feeling uncertain about my own sexuality. People have called me a lot of things, and I've never really felt comfortable about anything, and more often than not have I've been forcing myself into directions I'd rather not go. I've done a lot of self-torment on this area, for reasons that are still unknown to me, and have caused myself a lot of pain and heartache. But now, finally, I've found the answer I was looking for. And I can't even begin to describe how amazing that felt. It's a solid brick for me to use in building my home, and even if it's just one brick, it's way better than none at all. It's the first real time I've had something firm in my life to hold on to in so long, and I'll treasure it dearly.

Brick by brick, I'll somehow manage to build the building I've been dreaming of.

Another thing to mention is a part I'm struggling a lot with. And that is motivation. I can't seem to figure out how to motivate myself into doing the things I want to do, and it's causing me a lot of trouble. I mean, even the smallest of things, like feeling motivated to turn on the computer and go online is hard, and that's extremely bothersome for me. I've just started digging into this with my analyzing project, so I haven't really come up with any good answers or solutions just yet, but I am hoping that I'll be able to keep at it and keep digging until I can find something that'll make it easier for me to motivate myself. I think that one of the things I really need in my life right now is a bit of motivation, and one that doesn't go away after a minute or so.

But, anyways, my real point behind all this is that I'm making progress.

Progress is slow and painful, and I'm not really feeling all that good about myself lately, but at least it's progress. It's way better than crawling into a corner and crying myself to sleep, cause I can honestly say that I'm so tired of that. I'm walking down a hard and difficult path, and sadly I'm walking down it alone, but I am not going to stop until I reach the end of that path and have something good to look back on.

I'll keep analyzing, and finding my answers, and adding more bricks to my home.