Random ramblings of a drunk person

Love.

Now, there's something that keeps escaping me no matter how hard I try. I know a lot about it, actually, despite what most people might think, and yet I can't seem to catch it. It's like it's always just beyond my reach, and no matter how hard I stretch I can't seem to close my hands around it. It's coming to a point where I actually start wondering if I'll ever get to feel it at all.

Now, don't get me wrong; I've experienced love before. I know what it's like to love, as I've loved a lot of people in a lot of different ways, but my point is that I've never really known what it's like to be loved back. I've loved with my entire being, given everything of myself to others, but I've never gotten the same in return. It seems that people always flee from me, or treat me like crap, when it comes to love.

So, what I'm pondering on... Is it me there's something wrong with?

I can't seem to get a relationship to last - unless it's a dysfunctional one, then it'll last too long - and I'm always the one that gets left behind. I've heard every single excuse there is for why they can't be with me, but in the end that's all they are; excuses. Is it really that hard to love me? I mean, what the hell am I doing wrong that makes everyone I love want to leave me? Don't I deserve being loved? Am I not worth it? Am I not something anyone can be bothered fighting for? Am I just crap?

Yes, I'll admit it; I'm lonely. I wish with all my heart that I had someone to share my life with, so that the pain I feel every single day might've been easier to deal with. I want to be able to love someone, and actually feel that they love me back and give just as much of themselves to me as I give of myself to them. But in the end, this seems like the kind of happiness I'm not allowed to have.

I can't get the love of my life to love me, and trust me; I've tried for years, and I can't seem to find anyone else that'll love me either, so where the fuck am I going to end up? A very large part of me has already settled on, ages ago, that I'll be spending my life alone.

Yeah, yeah, I know I'm "just 26, and got my whole life ahead of me" and all that crap, but those words don't do shit to comfort me when I'm sitting alone in a tiny ass apartment and feel so lonely that I want to friggin' drown myself. They hold no promises. And what I need right now, is promises. I need love. I need someone that is willing to fight for me, to fight for my love, and fight for being able to just be by my side. No one has ever done that... I've fought for a lot of people, but no one has ever fought for me.

I suppose I'm just not worth it.

But, at the end of the night, I suppose I'm just drunk and rambling. Yeah, love is my biggest dream along with being my biggest issue, and right now I'm drunk enough to actually talk about it. But tomorrow, when I'm sober, I'll just ignore this entire entry and resume my mask of being perfectly okay with the thought of never being loved and act out the role of one that says "sure, you're right. I'm young and will eventually find the right one to settle down with." whenever someone talks about love. I'll just pretend this rambling session never happened, and go on with my life.

And never again - at least not in a sober state - will I ever mention just how fucking lonely I am and how much I effin hate my life.
This'll stay between me and my drunk self, just like a thousand other things.