First off, an update to the previous entry and my application to change my name.
Got the answer now, and my application has been denied, and the reasoning behind it is understandable and acceptable. Here in Norway you're not allowed to change your name more than once every 10 years, and it's only been 6 years since I last had my namechange, which is why my application was denied. It's fair enough, and I don't see a reason to complain about that, and if I still feel that I want to change my name in 4 years, then I'll do so. If not, then this was just a good thing. For now, I'll just stick to the name I have, and just use my KeyJester name as a nickname.
Though I'm disappointed, of course, it's not the end of the world, so I'm fine, really. And who knows, maybe during these 4 years, I'll somehow discover something that'll make me feel more connected to the name I have now, and thus change my mind about changing the name. We'll just have to wait and see.
And with that outta the way, time for some more updates on things.
The apartment is slowly killing me, and in the process I'm going slightly insane. It's just SO. MUCH. that needs to be done, and most of it is just minor details that just takes a bit of time, and - UGH - it's so tiresome. I just want to be done with the whole thing so I can sit down and not worry about everything I have to do. I can't even relax anymore, cause I'm constantly stressing, mentally, and it's making me tense, which, in turn, drags a lot of pain with it. It's as if I'm slowly getting all of my lifeforce drained out of me. I swear, a part of me just wants to put the damned thing on fire and run away from it.
I've decided, though, that most of those minor things, like floorboards and stuff like that, will not be done now, and instead I'll save up money and get everything done next summer instead. This gives me slightly less to do now, so I might actually finish the apartment in time for Xmas this year. Got my fingers crossed for that, and right now I'm working on emptying that conservatory of mine and tidying up the place, which is taking forever. I'm so tiiiiiired. *pouts*
What I REALLY want to do is sit down and focus on my work, cause I've got a lot of ideas of things I can do to help my work move forward a bit, but I know that I need to finish the apartment before I can do that, or I'll just end up getting absolutely nothing done at all. It's frustrating, really, cause it gets me sort of down, not being able to work. It IS my big love in life, and the one thing I always enjoy doing - which is why I've been working on it for over 20 years - so I just want to forget about the world for a while and disappear into my work. Le sigh~
I'll be so happy when I'm done with things and can finally focus on my work again.
Today is one of those really tiresome days where I just want to crawl into a corner and die, cause I'm tired and drained, and my mood is iffy, and things in general is hard to deal with. I know it'll pass, but it's annoying when it's happening. It's probably the apartment causing it, cause so far it's been the cause of at least 75% of all of my bad days this past year. I'm just so damned sick of working on it and draining myself due to the stress and the worry.
I'm tempted to put on Hyrule Warriors and just play the rest of the day, but I promised myself that I was going to finish emptying the conservatory this week - especially since I've got some major plans this weekend - so I just don't have the time to sit down and play.
A magic wand would be nice right about now.
Le sigh.
I guess I'm also somewhat dreading the fight I have ahead of me. Most of the time, I have the thought of it pushed back into the back of my mind, and I don't really pay it much attention, but every now and then I feel the claw of feer grabbing hold of me. I know it's coming, and I know it's going to be rough as fuck, so naturally I'm scared. It's one of the reasons for why I just want to finish the damned apartment so I actually have more time to focus on preparing myself for this, and gathering strength from my companions. I have absolutely no idea how this fight's gonna go, and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't worried about it. To be perfectly honest, I'm absolutely terrified.
Mindnumbingly, heartstopping terrified.
What if I lose? What'll happen then? Will she come back? Will I be put back into that cage and be locked away someplace where the world - nor my world - can reach me? Will I disappear again, while she takes over and takes control of my life, turning it into something twisted and sick before ending it alltogether?
Just thinking about it makes me cry.
I don't want to lose. I don't want to end up back there again. Fuck it, I'm willing to do just about ANYTHING to make sure that doesn't happen. And in the middle of all that fear, and the tears, I feel an anger burning in me. Anger towards her, towards everything that put her in control, and anger towards the very thought of losing this fight. I am not going to lose. Either way, I'm not going down without a fight, and I'll keep on fighting until my very last breath.
Don't live kneeling. If you're to die, you're gonna do so standing up.
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