Last week was a rollercoaster week through an ocean of various emotions, and today I'm just in a weird state of not really sure who I am. It's all really odd.
It started last weekend, where I, at some point, suddenly ended up reading through older blog entries in various other blogs I've had, which was both highly emotional as well as extremely surealistic. Reading anything that's been written before 2012 is like reading something that has been written by a complete stranger. Who is that person, and what the hell is wrong with her? Needless to say, it left me in a rather strange mood.
Monday was crap. No, actually, it was worse than crap. It was downright horrible, for so many reasons, and I can't even remember the last time I felt that bad. It was probably because I had brought up some old issues when I read through those blogs that weekend - it's the only explanation I can think of - but whatever was causing the bad day was just... Crap. Nuff said.
Tuesday was mindnumbingly shocking and awesome. I had just gotten out of bed, and was litterally standing in the middle of my bedroom with my phone in hand, about to head off to turn my computer on and make coffee when the phone rang. I was confuzzled. And slightly worried, since it was my grandpa calling and it was pretty early in the morning. Had something happened? So I answer the phone, and he asks me if I'm awake, and when I confirm that I more or less am, he says that he sees I've been having problems with my computer screen. Yes, I tell him, my screen broke a while ago, so I had the computer hooked up to my TV at the moment. Well, he and grandma had decided that they wanted to buy me a brand new screen.
Uhm, watt? I went into shock, and could just repeat myself, wondering what the hell. Uhm, watt? After some explaining he hung up, and I sat down with my coffee, just staring at the wall. Uhm, watt? And then he calls again, telling me to be ready in an hour, cause he'll come pick me up and we'll go buy me a screen. Uhm, watt? I swear, my brain broke. But an hour later, he came and picked me up, and I got myself a brand new awesome gaming screen! I was in utter awe, and I can't even begin to describe how amazingly grateful I am for having such fantastic grandparents! They are simply the best.
Later, my brother came to help me put together the last cabinet for my new wardrobe, and then mum and dad decided they were lazy and wanted to buy burgers for dinner, so they called and asked if we wanted some as well. Aw, hellz yes! I love burgers! So they brought us some burgers, and then me and my brother played Hyrule Warriors the rest of the evening. Best! Day! Ever!
Wednesday became another crap day, and to top it off it decided to bring some aches back with it. I could hardly walk at all, so I decided to sit down and do paperwork. And I started sorting through all those papers and notes and whatnot I've gathered over the years, which was mindnumbing and tiresome. 20 years of paperwork is a nightmare to go through, so I was aching all over and just generally exhausted when the evening came. Not much else to say about that day.
Thursday became a somewhat interesting day, cause I continued the paperwork and I got to go through old character notes and stuff, and I decided to start making an alphabetical list of every single companion I've discovered over the years. The total number I ended up on? 460. That number had me sitting in silence for a long while, just wondering what the eff. And then everything decided to blow a bit up in my face and take me on a trip down memory lane. Ho gosh. There were a lot of thoughts that day - thoughts I'm not gonna repeat here - and eventually I just had to put everything away and drown my head with more Hyrule Warriors.
Friday I woke up dead tired cause my cat decided to be a nightmare that night and wake me up, so I was totally zombiefied and in a weird mood. A weird mood that somehow ended up making me feel the urge to be social, and after some whirlwind through various appointments, I ended up in a really amazingly great mood that made the rest of the day pretty awesome. It was a strange day, really.
Saturday was town day with mum, and then I headed off to a party at a friend of mine's that I haven't been to in ages because of my health and things generally not going my way whenever he's having a party. And it became one of the better parties I've been to in a while, so I had a really amazing time, in great company, and my mood was totally awesome the entire evening/night.
Sunday morning I woke up with a great-looking nekkid lady in my bed, and we spent hours just lying in bed, talking about all kinds of weird shit while nursing our hangovers, before I went to have dinner with my family. The day was an amazing day in so many ways, despite being hung over, so my mood just continued being awesome.
Rollercoaster week. Yep.
Today I slept longer than I've done in ages, and it was noon before I finally managed to drag my ass out of bed and get some coffee. I think I was tired after the week I've had - and lacking in sleep due to the awesome partyweekend, lol - so I needed some extra hours to relax, I suppose. Not really sure what to do with my day, but I'm guessing it'll be paperwork, paperwork, some more paperwork, and then some Hyrule Warriors.
That, and thinking.
I had one of those moments I rarely talk about sometime last week, and it left me with a lot of thoughts. At some point, I suddenly fell apart, and the world disappeared on me. I just sat there on the floor, holding on to myself for my dear life, while everything came crashing in on me, and all my fears decided to put their claws around me as I slowly drowned in a dark ocean hopelessness. I felt so lost, so scared - horrified, really - and I couldn't even breathe, let alone cry. I was alone, and I was slowly fading away - dying. I couldn't feel the floor beneath me, couldn't see the walls around me, nor hear the music that was playing on my computer. I was gone.
And then I felt a light touch of someone's hands on each of my arms. It was so light that it was barely noticable, but it was enough to wake me. He had his arms around me and that darkness and the ocean suddenly disappeared, and I was no longer in my own bedroom. I was in another world - my world - and there they all were. My family and friends, my companions, and I was home. I was safe. They were there for me, promising me that they'd never let me fight alone, and telling me to stand up and keep going. I'd be fine. Things would be rough for a while, cause I was in for a bit of a rocky ride, but they'd be with me every step of the way and make sure that I'd make it through it all. And I could still feel his arms holding on top me, promising that he'd be there as well. That silent protector of mine that keeps popping into my dreams. He will never leave me to fight on my own.
And then it was all over.
It felt like I had just lived through an eternity, but apparently it had all just happened in a couple of minutes, and it left me sitting on the floor, just staring in front of me, not really knowing what to think or feel.
Yes, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of falling back into the dark places I've been to before. I'm afraid I'll lose hold of the person that I've found myself to be, and get caught by that old mask. I'm afraid she'll come back - even though I know I killed her - and that she'll chain me down again and take control of me and have me be someone I'm not. But I know now that I can fight that fear, and I can do so with the help of my companions, and my world. It is my medium, like I am the medium of it, and together we'll get through it. It'll help me fight those fears - fight her. Even if she, despite being dead and gone, shows up again, and tries to get hold of me - that horrid creature that used to be me, be my mask - I'll be able to fight her off, cause I won't be fighting alone.
I'm realizing that I started something back when she died. I've mentioned it before, about her, my mask, and how I killed her back in November 2011, and then I finally woke up as myself in January 2012, and I could start exploring myself and learn about who I really am. I started on a quest of sorts, to put together the puzzle I found inside me, and I'm not entirely done. I thought I was done after about a year, but I'm not. That's why I'm having all these problems now. I'm still working, and I just hadn't realized it. I'm moving towards the anniversary of her death - it'll be 3 years now in November - and because of that I need to work through the issues she caused, and put everything in place. It's hard, and it'll be rough, but it's necessary to finish the quest. And in January, I'll be 3 years old, as well as 30 years old. Physically, I've been alive for almost 30 years, but mentally I've been asleep most of that time, and nearly 3 years ago I finally woke up.
January will see the end of the puzzle I've been putting together these past three years, and because of that my work on it has intensified significally lately, causing me and my head quite a lot of trouble.
Realizing that made all the difference.
I'm facing something - something big - and it's something I can't bring other people into, and so I have to push them aside for a while. But I won't be facing it alone after all, cause I've got my world, my companions, and my protector by my side, and together we'll face this and defeat it.
I'm moving towards the Boss fight of this dungeon.
Wish me luck.
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