So, uhm, wow.

I'm in a weird state of happy/shock/panic.
Life took an unexpected turn.

We all know how introverted I can be. I grew up more or less on my own, and I got used to being alone. I'm very comfortable being alone - always have been, always will be - which is probably the main reason for why I developed social anxiety when I was younger. Though the anxiety is gone, I still tend to shy away from social stuff on a daily basis, unless I'm partying. This has been one of the reasons for why I've been very insisting about NOT getting into a relationship, along with the fact that I still have a lot to figure out about myself since it's only been a couple of years since I woke up and found me. I don't want a significant other in my life. I enjoy being on my own, and, of course, I have to be honest and say that love kind of terrifies me. So, ah......

I got a girlfriend.

Yes, you heard me. And no, that wasn't a joke. I've checked out of the single life, and ventured into the world of taken. I'm in a relationship.

What the hell?

Happy/shock/panic mode: Engage.

My head's in a state of numbing shock, and everything feels surreal, cause this was the last thing on my mind, and I never dreamt it would happen, but it did. I'm happy and weird, and somewhat terrified. It's been so facking long since I last was in an actual real relationship that I've sort of forgotten how that works. I need to download a "How to Have a Girlfriend for Dummies" walthrough and figure out how to do this.

I tried figuring out how long it's been since I last had an SO, and my conclusion is... A long time ago. I wouldn't count the relationship I had with my ex-girlfriend as an actual real relationship, to be honest. It was a weird one-sided obsession that was occasionally returned, where I threw ALL of me and all my love towards a person that loved me back only when it suited her. We had a short period of official dating back in 2009, and that same year she ended up walking out on me, again, and we went back to being friends/lovers. And then we had the final break-up as both friends and lovers back in 2011, and I've been more or less on my own in every way since then, which I find satisfying and comfortable. But, yeah, my point is that the last time I had a real relationship was the one I had before that, with the guy I lived with for 4 years, and if I remember correctly, we broke up in 2008. On Valentine's Day, no less, cause I'm an idiot with great timing.

I've been on my own for a long time now, and that's what I'm used to.

And then, along came Candy.

Yes, that's my new official nickname on her, cause I'm an adorable and awkward weirdo.

We first met earlier this summer, at a Gay Pride Party some friends we had in common hosted. It was one hell of a party - shit happens, and then you party naked. My life's motto, which really came true during that party, of course, and Candy was one of those people I ended up naked with.  It was all fun and games, and we really didn't have any real contact after the party. I had her on facebook, and that's about it. I kept my focus on my life and figuring things out with myself. Then, a little while ago, a friend of mine was having a party, and invited me - like he always does - and for once I had the time, and my body was doing well, so I could actually say yes to that. It was a fun and really great party, with just a few, and amazing, people, and I had a good time. Then Candy popped by sometime late that night, cause she was out driving. She had no plans on partying, but we talked her into it, and got her a drink that somehow turned to several, and suddenly I dragged her home with me. That was the sunday where I woke up with a gorgeous nekkid lady in my bed (as mentioned in a previous entry of mine), and we spent the entire day just talking about anything and everything. We really connected, and I realized that this is a friend I'm gonna keep, cause she's awesome and we have a lot on common. We're both fucked up and weird, so ha.

For the next couple of weeks, we've been talking regularily, and she's been by a couple of times, and we've been gaming and talking and generally having a great time. And then, this weekend came, and stuff changed. One of my oldest and closest friends hosts a yearly Halloween party that has become a tradition, and it's the only party I always go to no matter what. Of course, this year she hosted it again, and I helped her rent a place, cause it was time for her to expand and make the event even bigger. The party was this saturday, and I told Candy she could drop by my place and get ready since I live, like, 1 minute away from the place where the party was held. And I had already planned that she was gonna spend the night, cause that would've been the easiest for her so she didn't have to worry about getting home in the middle of the night and then come back the day after to pick up her car. She arrived, threw some Skittles at me cause she knew I wasn't doing well - she's adorbs - and we slowly geared up for the party, before we headed off for an amazing night with lots of awesome people.

From the moment we arrived, we kind of kept together, cause it seemed easier since we arrived together, and before you get into the drinking you tend to take it easy and not mingle all that much. I don't know when and how it happened, but at some point during the drinking and the partying, she was suddenly dragging me off outside cause we had managed to steer into the topic of dating, and it was time for a serious talk. The talk.
There was something there, and it's been there from the start. This weird spark. I'm attracted, and this past month I've felt a sort of pull towards her that I couldn't quite explain, and she had the same thing. Of course, we were drunk during that talk, so we sort of decided to deal with this the day after, but after that talk we was sort of glued together, and things were strangely comfortable. She spent the night, of course, as planned, and the day after, when we woke up tired and hung over, it became obvious that yesterday's drunken talk wasn't just the alcohol talking. And we concluded that we're gonna have a go at this relationship thing and see where that takes us.

And here we are. Having a go at that.

It's odd and nice, and scary, and weird, and I'm not sure what's going on, but that's how it is. We're taking it slow, cause this wasn't exactly planned - and my introverted self is somewhat terrified, and I'm dependant on having a lot of alone time - and I have no idea where this'll end up. Either this doesn't work out, and we either fuck things up really bad or just sort of slips back into just being friends, or this could actually work and turn into something really serious. I honestly have no idea, but I'm trying to stay open, and just take things as they come.

She's really gorgeous and quirky, and geeky, and she's comfortable to be around. I don't feel any pressure or like I'm expected to be something I'm not, so I can just take it easy when she's around and do what I usually do when I'm on my own. She makes me warm and fuzzy inside, which is new and strange to me, but I find myself randomly smiling quite often, and I know that it's because of her.

I'm still scared.
But it's sort of okay.

I had forgotten what love felt like, but I'm liking this reminder.