What's in a name?

Is a name really all that personal? Is your name something personal? It's basically your label, when you tink about it, and what does your label say about you?

I am me.

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to properly put words to the thoughts I'm having, so I'm just going to jump headfirst into it and see where it leads me. I'm considering changing my name.

Yep, you read that correctly.

I made a facebook status about it earlier, stating that I already had changed it, mainly as a test to see what reactions I got to it, but I'm very seriously considering doing it for real. Especially since I got some really nice feedback from that status. I'm going to try to explain this to you in a way that'll make sense, but I can't guarantee that I'll succeed, cause describing your personal feelings is rarely an easy thing to do.

To me, being an individual that sticks out has become something very important, and in a way I can see why. Because of the things I've been through in my life, and because of how I've never been considered "good enough" as me, and how I have been forced to live behind a mask that wasn't me, just to fit in and be accepted, I suppose I have a stronger desire to make a point of who I am than most people. Now that I know who I am, and my masks have been disposed of, I put a lot of energy into showing the real me, to the point where I make some extreme choices.

Part of my hair is dyed turquoise. Now, these days, that's a pretty common colour (along with blue) around these parts, as it has become a popular colour among kids and teenagers where I live. And that's just fine; I love the colour, and I encourage people to dye their hair exactly however they want to. But to me, it's more than just dying your hair. To me, that specific colour means something extremely personal. And it's not just that it's my favourite colour, which is a good enough reason in itself, but also because it represents the actual personal image I have of myself in my head. It's a part of my identity - who I really am - so when I dye my hair I feel like I'm closer to being me. And thus, it becomes highly personal.

I have tattoos, which most of you know, and that's not really all that special. A lot of people have tattoos, and lots of them, and in a lot of places it's considered more common than not having tattoos. But my tattoos are extremely personal to me, and they're a part of who I am. I personally designed and drew the tattoos myself, and I did so based on things that are extremely dear and personal to me, because the tattoos are a part of my identity. They represent who I truly am, just like my hair colour.

I go for such things because they are personal, and because they help me show the world who I am, and as I've already stated; that's important to me. When you've been chained down and caged behind masks, never really being allowed to be you, you develop a really strong urge to fly up above everyone and really show them what you look like when the chains are finally gone. Which is what I'm currently dealing with.

We've already established that I'm going through a rather rough patch these days, dealing with a lot of difficult things in myself - a lot of it forcing me to face, and deal with, things for my past, and my head - and that I'm now heading towards a rather big anniversary. This is a big deal to me. I'm not sure I can even put into words exactly how big of a deal this is, but it's big. Really big.

And this brings me to my name.

Now, some of you may know that some years ago I had my surname legally changed. This was a highly personal choice, based on a lot of personal things, and to this day I don't regret it even a second. It was one of the best choices I have ever made, because it made my name personal. Up until before I had the change, my name was just a name. It wasn't me. It was just a name on a paper, and it held little to no meaning to me, and that felt wrong. I'm a person with a big personality (even though that personality was chained down at the time), and to me my name was something that should live up to that. It should be a name that represents me. And after the namechange, things inside me started changing as well, and I felt more at ease with myself. My name finally represented who I was.

Why am I then considering a namechange again?

Because my name still isn't done. My surname is changed, yes, and I am overly pleased with it and wouldn't trade it for the world, but the rest of the name still stands the same, and it feels really wrong. I look at my name, and it just doesn't feel like it's mine. It's incomplete, and impersonal. It's not me.

A lot of people know my first/given name, but what they don't know is that it's not my full first/given name. I actually have a double name, but the second part of it is something I've always listed as my middle name, because that feels more right to me, so few people know that it's my actual name. Actually, I talked to my mum about it, and she was surprised when I told her that my so-called middle name is listed in the official papers as a part of my first/given name. Well then. Even my mum - the one who named me - doesn't use that full name of mine, nor considers it as my full name. That in itself says a lot, and adding in my personal feelings in the matter, it should say more than just a lot.

A while back I changed my facebook name, erasing that second part of my first/given name and only using the first part as my name, and I added in my longtime nickname - KeyJester - as my middlename. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing, because I use that nickname on every site I'm registered to, and adding new friends on facebook from those sites will be less confusing for them when they see my nickname. But the more I look at it, the more I ask myself why that isn't an actual official part of my name.

Of all the nicknames I've gathered over the years - and trust me; I've got a lot of them - none has ever been as personal and dear to me as my KeyJester name. Everyone knows I'm obsessed with keys, and that I collect them, and it's also a known fact that I have a fetish for jesters of various kinds, and so I've always considered myself to be the Jester of Keys - the KeyJester. It's pretty much as personal as you can get, on every level, which is why I use that name online, and why that is still my m@il name even after all these years. I will forever and always be KeyJester, and nothing can ever change that. It's a part of who I really am - a part of my identity.

I want to make it my official middle name. It may sound silly, but to me it's a highly personal choice. My first/given name will remain the name my mother gave me, and calls me by, because that name will forever be something dear to me, and a part of who I am, seen through my mother's eyes. My surname will remain as the name I made all those years ago, that I feel represent the family I am in myself, and want to, one day, establish. And I want to use KeyJester as my middle name, because it'll represent who I truly am, in the deepest core of my being, and that, to me, means more than you could ever understand.

I am me. And I need everyone around me to see that. I need to make a point of it, and keep making that point, because I don't ever want to forget and get lost behind that mask that chains me down ever again. I'd rather die than go back there. I'd rather lose everything I care about than go back there.

So, with that established, I'm gonna wipe away these bloody tears that suddenly decided to pop out - gad, emotional much? - and get right down to my point.

I've thought about changing my name for a long time now, but I haven't reached an official decision yet, because I've been thinking about my family and what they'd think about it. What if they didn't like it? But, you know, why should I hold myself back for the sake of others? Yes, I love my family, and I respect their opinions, but they can never truly understand how personal this is to me, and how important such a simple thing as a name can be to a person. To me, a name is not just a name. It's supposed to be a part of my identity, a part of who I really am, and for me to truly stand there and proudly state that my name is me, then I need to change it.

This is not a spur of the moment thing, as I've put a lot of thought and emotions into this - just like I did when I had my surname changed - and I truly feel like it will help me get through the things I'm going through right now, and help me stand tall when I am out of it.

I am me. I am KeyJester. And that should be explanation enough.