I was reading through some entries in an old blog of mine from 2012, where I was writing a lot about my past and my problems. And I kept mentioning the "thing" inside my head, the biggest fear in my life, and I remember that I've talked about that "thing" on several occasions. I've even mentioned it in this blog, if I'm not mistaken.
I remember the fear I had for that "thing", and how I feared it would destroy the world if it ever got out. I had nightmares about it, and one - drunken - time even made a friend of mine promise to chain me up if I ever changed to make sure the "thing" wouldn't have me hurt someone. It was such a horrible fear, and one I kept with me for many, many years.
The "thing" was a person. A woman. I remember that I never managed to see what she looked like, but I saw colours tied to her. A kind of lighter blue-ish colour, and silver. And every part of me always told me that she was evil, and that she had been locked away in the depths of my mind for a reason. She was bad news, and she was the one making me do bad things and hurt those around me. And I hated her. All my life, I feared and hated her.
And yesterday, I realized who she was.
These past years I haven't had that fear of her. I haven't even noticed her in the back of my mind. And, it's simply because she's not there anymore. She's finally free and out in the open.
And she's me.
The "thing" I feared so much and kept chained down in the back of my mind, was myself. The "me" that kept calling her evil and making me fear her were those masks of mine that I've been struggling to get rid of. The fake me chained down the real me, and put a lid on it to make me forget about it.
The real me, the person I truly am, was in a slumber, chained down by gods only know what, and the masks were there to keep those chains in place.
(Mask art by Candra from deviantArt)
I learned early on, in my childhood, to put on masks and play the roles people wanted me to play. I was never accepted for who I was, so I had to be someone else all the time. Who that someone else was depended a lot on the people around me, and what they expected of me. I suppose it's a common thing, really. We all play our roles, pretending to be someone that people will accept and love, because we fear rejection. We're insecure, unsure of ourselves, and so we invent new versions of us that we can put on as masks, and be accepted.
My biological father started the insecurity in me, by always yelling at me no matter what I did. I never felt like I was good enough. And the rest of the family followed up by always judging me. In the end, I became so accustomed to wearing masks, that the real me was hidden away deep within my mind, locked in chains, and in a deep sleep. The masks taugt me that the real me was something to fear, because if I was ever myself, I wouldn't be loved. People would reject me, and the ones who said they loved me would leave. The masks, and the people around me, taught me all that. And so the people around me helped me create new masks to protect myself. My ex was one of the people that created one of the hardest masks, with such deep roots that it seemed impossible to remove.
And over time, I forgot about the person that had been chained down in the depths of my mind. I only remembered the fear, and the person became a thing I thought would destroy me and the world around me. I feared and hated that thing, because that's what the masks told me to. I grew dependent on the masks, cause they kept me safe from everything, and most importantly from the thing in my head.
When I hit the bottom a couple of years back, and I died... It broke the chains. I didn't realize it at the time, cause I was so busy working my way through things, and suddenly awakening as who I truly was, but I see it now. And it all makes sense.
The real me woke up, broke free of the chains, and came out in the open, and in doing so I cracked the masks that had chained me up. I still have them, those masks of mine, but they're all cracked and put away. I don't need them anymore, cause I know who I am. I'm not afraid of being rejected or left, cause I know that if people truly love me, they'll love me for me and not for my masks. I'm proud of who I am, with all my flaws and faults, so I have no need for hiding myself. I have no need for masks anymore.
I keep the masks as a reminder of the mistakes I did. To make sure I don't invent new masks. They hang on my wall, cracked and horrible, and whenever I look upon them, I know that I will never again wear one. Never again will I let anything or anyone chain me down, cause now I am free, and I am stronger than ever.
I am me.
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