Appearance isn't everything, they say. Most of the people who say that are lying, cause some of them care more about appearance than anything else. Me? I both agree and disagree. In the end, appearance isn't the most important thing, so, yeah, I guess you could say that I agree that appearance isn't everything. But it does matter, that much is certain.
But that's not the point of this entry.
I want to talk about my appearance and my relationship with it.
I've often said that I don't care about my own appearance, and that is quite correct. Some people call me a lier, cause obviously I care about my appearance due to the way I dress and how I used to do my makeup when I was younger, but they're very wrong. When I say that I don't care about my appearance, then I mean that I don't care whether I am pretty or not. I don't spend loads of time on making myself look pretty, neither through the use of clothes nor makeup. What I do, however, spend loads of time on, is making my outer reflect my inner. There's a difference.
I dress the way I dress because my style reflects my personality. It's to show who I truly am, on the inside. And the way I used to do all sorts of crazy makeup on myself when I was younger was for the same reason. To share myself with the world. Because, simply, I don't care much about my own appearance, in the form of beauty. I only care if I can portray my inner self on the outside through my style, and my attitude.
I am overweight, in case you didn't know. Over these past couple of years, I've gained as much as 25kg due to the fibromyalgia kicking in. Here, I can even prove it by showing you this amazingly gorgeous picture of my semi-nude self:
See? I am a slightly big woman. And, you know what? That don't bother me.
I've never had an issue with weight. I've been this big before, several years ago, and before that, as well as after that, I've been as low as 60kg. It's up and down, depending on how active I am. I've never gone on a diet, nor will I ever go on one, and I've never watched what I eat or done regular training or workouts. Why? Because my appearance don't matter to me.
It's my style that I focus on, and spend energy on showing. As well as my personality. Cause, let's face it, you could be the most beautiful person in the world, but with a crap personality you're just worthless.
Quote from Doctor Who:
"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful — and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick; but then there's other people. And you meet them and you think, "Not bad, they're okay," and when you get to know them ... their face just, sort of, becomes them, like their personality's written all over it, and they just — they turn into something so beautiful."
- Amy Pond
About 99% of the people (read: women) I know have huge problems with their appearance. And their biggest issue? Their weight. I don't even know how often I see some of them write about how they hate themselves because their appearance don't match their ideals, and how determined they are to change themselves to be more happy. Although, that determination is pretty up and down, to be honest. One week I see them checking in at the gym every day, being so hardworking and proud of themselves, while the next it's all quiet.
It's all about change. When you care about appearance, you're all about changing yourself. You're going to make yourself a better person, and then people will love you, and you'll be happy! Yay!
A small part of me can understand that. I had a lot of self-esteem issues in the past. Not appearance-related, mind you. It was my self-worth and my personality that was crap, in my own eyes, and needed changing. I had to become a better person, and then people would love me, and I would be happy! Yay!
Yay?
Something did change. And that was that I stopped wanting to be someone else. I stopped wanting to change myself. Instead I focused on seeing myself for who I truly was, and learning to accept and love that person. I do that now, and I've never been happier. It was never about becoming a better person or having other people love me. It was all about me learning to love myself, flaws and everything.
And that applies very much to my appearance. I don't care much about it because I am still me, no matter what I look like. And I love me. So why would I want to change? Why should I spend lots of time suffering over the fact that I don't meet the ideals of how women should look, according to public magazines? Why should I deny myself to eat chocolate and drink beer - which makes me happy - whenever I want just to get an appearance that others will like? Why should I spend hours and money going to the gym, torturing myself, just to meet the ideals of others? Why? Because that is supposed to make me happy? Nope. Sorry. I don't buy that.
I am happy. I dare say that I am happier than most of the people (again, read: women) that I know. I dare say that I spend way more time smiling at myself in the mirror than they do. And I definitely dare say that I love myself way more than they love themselves.
And I just want to wrap this up by sharing my viewpoint on the topic of beauty that has helped me get to the point where I am right now. The main reason for why I don't care about my own appearance.
I don't really find my kind of appearance to be pretty. It is not to my taste, so I don't find it attractive. I'm decent looking, kind of average, neither beautiful nor ugly. And that don't mean shit to me cause I'm not suppose to date myself, am I? I'm not supposed to find myself attractive! Because, you know what? The person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with will think that I'm the most beautiful person they've ever met! Why? Firstly, it's cause my personality is just damned awesome. Haha! But, most importantly, it's because my kind of appearance is just their kind of taste. It's as simple as that.
My appearance don't matter to me, because it's so much more important for me to be comfortable with the kind of person I am, so I know that I can live with myself. Living with my appearance is something I'll be leaving to my future significant other.
Learn to love yourself, and care a little less about how you look!
I promise you'll be so much more happy.
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