A week of progress and good things

It's been a rather eventful week, so I've got a bunch of updates.

First off, last Sunday. Was watching TV when the phone suddenly rang, and I saw that it was my best friend calling. Naturally, my nerves threatened to kill me and I stared at the phone for I don't know how long before I finally dared to answer it. Stupid nerves being stupid. But, anyways, we talked for a while about this and that, and before hanging up I gathered the courage to ask if she wanted to do something the following week. And she actually said yes! Truth be told, when I hung up I was almost jumping around in the apartment. It may sound strange, but when you've struggled with the anxiety I've been struggling with for the past months, just being able to answer the phone is amazing in itself, let alone being able to ask whomever's calling if they want to do something with me. And it just generally felt great to talk to her again, cause everyone knows I miss her like hell when we haven't had contact in a while. She IS my best friend, after all.

But, then my strange week started! And that week just topped everything I've ever experienced!


Monday!
Me and my mum had an appointment with a relative of ours that is a medium and a healer, but mum got sick so she called me and said she couldn't go with me, and asked if I'd be able to do it by myself. I could feel my nerves starting to suffocate me when she said it. But, I had really been looking forward to this, so I just damned it all to hell and said that I'd go alone. And I did. And I sat there for almost 5 hours, just talking! It was absolutely amazing. She was so great to talk to, and so was her mother whom was present as well, and I had a great time! Got to talk about a lot of things that trouble me, as well as share my thoughts and feelings and theories about things I generally can't talk about, and then they performed some healing on me. I felt so great when I left there, that I can't even remember the last time I felt so great! And that experience did something for me. Can't really explain it, but I felt different somehow. Better, almost.

Tuesday!
I woke up with the greatest feeling ever. I got up early, and then decided to go to town since I felt so great. Left a note on FB about going to town, and told people to give me a buzz if they wanted to meet for a cup of coffee. No one buzzed, but that doesn't matter cause the day turned out awesome anyway! I met my neighbour when I got outside and he was kind enough to drive me to town and then buy me a cup of coffee. So we sat there and talked, when my best friend and her ex came by and they sat down and had coffee with us. Just before they left, we agreed that she'd call me later, and if she forgot then I'd call her to remind her about it. Then I met up with one of my sisters and had lunch with her, and when she went back to work I walked around town for a while before meeting my other sister and having lunch with her as well. All in all, I spent hours in town, being social like I've never been before, and got me some nifty earrings on sale. When the evening came, I called my best friend and we arranged on them picking me up the next day. Quite an eventful day.

Wednesday!
Got up really, really early and were picked up as arranged, then spent some hours helping out in my friend's apartment and just talking. It felt so great, and I got to talk about a lot of things I needed to talk about. We decided to go out on Friday, so we made plans on having a party at her place. Then she had an appointment at her school, so we walked there and then mum picked me up and we went to browse through some store before picking up my friend at school and driving down to town. We walked around for some hours, just talking and stuff, before I finally made my way home. The second social day in a row, and I felt absolutely great! And later that evening, I had an appointment with my relative who's a medium and went with her to some meeting where they talked about a lot of interesting and supernatural things. I actually had a great time, and felt even better when I finally got back home.

Thursday!
Things finally caught up to me, and I woke up with a massive anxiety attack that lasted most of the day. I felt so tired, so drained, and the fear was like a giant claw wrapped around my chest and slowly crushing me. And whenever I thought about the following Friday, I felt this really bad feeling nagging at the back of my mind, telling me that it wasn't going to happen. So, I decided to just take it easy the entire day, and reload my batteries. I had done well so far that week, so a small break was something I could afford. I even tried meditating to one of the CDs my relative gave me, and not even did it make me feel better, but it removed the anxiety and inspired me to write a small meditation thingy. A quiet day, with lots of reading for the most part, but it felt good.

Friday!
My friend called me early that day and told me her son had gotten sick, so the party and everything got canceled. In the back of my mind, I felt something going "I told you so!" when she said it, strangely enough. Though my nerves were glad, I felt a bit said cause I had been looking forward to partying with her, and it's generally no fun when kids get sick. But, mum picked me up and we browsed some shops before she drove me to my psychologist where I got to give her the weekly updates. And she was amazed. The progress I had made that week alone was beyond anything we had hoped for, and even though I didn't really complete my homework, I had done several times better than that! I felt really proud of myself, and she told me I had every reason to. Needless to say, it felt good.
Now, the following evening I had planned on just staying at home, drinking beer and watching TV, especially since my nerves were a bit out of it, but as I drank I just felt this strange urge to go out after all. And after a while - and after calling my cousin, whom was kind enough to pay for a cab - I just decided to do it! I got dressed, got out my door, and took a cab down to town where I had the best. Time. Ever! I danced - and at one point had almost the entire dancefloor to myself - completely ignoring all the people staring at me, met tons of awesome people, got to sing and dance with some really pretty girls, and even witnessed some drama. And not even once did I even think about my anxiety! I had a great time!

Saturday!
A bit hung over, but when thinking about how great I did last night by going out on my own like that, I felt so great that I can't even describe it. Got up and went to town with mum, and I felt so good that I almost danced in the middle of town several times. And as we were on our way to my grandparents, my friend called me and asked if we could go out that night instead, cause she really needed it. I didn't mind at all! So, later she came over and we had fun drinking while getting ready, and then we managed to get my sister to come over as well so the three of us could go out together. We had tons of fun, but sadly I managed to get really sick when we were out, and threw up after a while, so we had to wrap up early. Luckily I have such an amazing friend that always takes care of me, so she took me home with her and got me placed on a couch where I passed out rather quickly. A drunk night, that's for sure.

Sunday!
I woke up feeling so hung over and dead that I couldn't even move. And my legs were aching like hell after dancing in heels two nights in a row, so I could hardly walk. But, even so, I had a great day. It felt good not being alone in my own apartment for once, and even if we spent most of the day on the couch, I had a good time. Watched a ton of movies, and then she made pizza, before I finally managed to walk back home again. I seriously had a great time, despite being so damned hung over. When I got home, I watched some TV before crawling into bed, satisfied with the week that had been. It's really been a great week!

All in All

It's a short recap of the past week, just cause I want people to know how much progress I did that week. I'm really, really proud of myself, cause I've done a lot of things I haven't been able to do before. One thing is just being social and going to town and meeting people, but on top of it all I even managed to go out all by myself and have a great time! I'm just so amazed by the things I did that week. I'm not even sure how it happened. It just did, and I'm so happy for it. I've really had a great week.

I had a really strange night last night, with a lot of weird dreams that kind of bug me, and I slept for a long time today. I'm pretty sure I've exhausted myself this past week, so I just need a little time to recharge my batteries or something. I'm tired today, but I don't really mind. I just take it as proof that last week really did happen, and that I really did push myself beyond my own boundaries.


Now, I'm not saying that everything's okay, that my issues have been fixed, and that from now on my life will be perfect. The problems that I have aren't fixed that easy, and that I know. I can still feel a lot of my issues in the back of my head, I know my anxiety is still there, and my self-esteem is still pretty much non-existent. But! I have started taking a step forward, and I've made a ton of progress, and I can now see that even though I may not be close to the end of this tunnel, I've actually made it quite far. I've finally turned in on the right path, and I feel like I've opened so many doors! Okay, so maybe I haven't walked through those doors, but at least they're open! I found a key! And this small step has opened the biggest door of them all for me; the door that might lead towards a solution to everything. I know I have a lot of hard work in front of me, a lot of heavy periods, and it'll be rough time for me. I know. But what I also know is that I'll reach the end of this tunnel and my hard work will pay off. I'll be okay. I'll reach the point in my life where I'll be happy.

Cause what I can see now after this past week, is that it's possible for me to reach the destination I dream of.

I've been struggling for the past year and a half, and for all I know I still might have a year or two of struggling ahead of me. But now I know I won't be giving up. Reading back through my previous entries, I see how close I've been to giving up. And even though I haven't said it out loud or written it in my blog, the thought of just ending things have been a constant one every single day for the past months. I don't think anyone will ever know how close I've gotten to just giving up. How far out on that edge I've really been. And I know I'll probably find my way back to that edge several times in the future. But, hopefully, when the time comes and I find myself to be so far out on that edge, I've been able to reach something within myself that'll let me turn to someone and ask that they pull me back in.

Right now, that is my goal. To be able to feel that I'm not worthless, and asking for help won't make me a burden to people. I want to be able to feel that I am actually worthy of other people's love and care, so that when I am in need of their help, I'll be able to ask for it. I know I have people I can depend on, and one day I'll be able to actually depend on them without hating myself for troubling them.

One day, I am actually going to learn to love myself again.