Come feed the rain

I know it's been a while, but life's been busy...

A quick update would include my mental health improving to the point where I'm anxiety free and my depression is almost gone, and I've been living with my ex for a couple of months now. Life's been up and down, but for the most part I've been doing amazingly good.

That is, until Friday night...

I don't really know where to begin, or even what to say, but truth be told I don't think I've ever been in this much pain before. And now I'm not just talking about how much my arms hurt after all the struggling I've been through, but how much it hurts inside me. Cause, honest to god, my insides feel like they're about to fall apart.

I never really wanted to go out, cause I had a feeling something was wrong, but I did anyway. Silly me. I never listen to the good voices, only the bad ones. So, we went out, danced, and had tons of fun. I've never danced that much in my entire life, truth be told. I really did have fun. Though, I'll be honest and say I had a hard time coping with the fact that someone told me flat out just what kind of feelings that person had for me. I've never had anyone confess like that before, so I had no idea how to handle it. Basically, this person told me that if I hadn't been so obsessed with my ex, we'd be together. Talk about shock...

Now, this is a person I've always liked, and I've been attracted to this person for as long as we've known eachother. And, yes, I've been aware of the fact that this person have always liked me, but I never really knew how serious it was. To suddenly know, and on top of that really get it smacked into my face just how obvious it is that I'm so obsessed with my ex, was a bit hard to swallow. And it still is... But, I tried my best to just put that away and enjoy my night out.

And that's when it all went haywire on me.

I still don't know what happened, to be honest, so I'm kind of in a state of shock. The DJ announced that he was going to play the last song before closing up, and my ex looks at me in the strangest way before she takes her things and just leaves. Confused, I hurry after her, put an arm around her cause she's far from steady on her feet, and help guide her towards home. And she completely breaks down, and cries, and starts talking about things I don't understand at all. I thought she was just too drunk, so I helped her get home and into bed, all the while listening to her hysteric crying and babbling, and just praying that she'll feel better once she's rested and have had a good nights sleep. Shaky as hell, I sit down on the couch after getting her into bed, not really sure what to do, when she comes out of the bedroom and demands that I leave the place. Now, I'm not gonna go into any details at all, but to sum it up she wanted me out of there and when I refused to leave she wanted to leave instead, and as I tried to keep her there I got my ass kicked. I'm just glad I'm stronger than her.

In the end, I ended up taking a taxi home, cause she was anything but herself and threatened with a lot of things, and I was too drunk to handle it. I texted her mom, told her to contact her in the morning cause I was worried about her, and then just tried my best to calm my nerves. Needles to say, they kind of went haywire on me after that. I had a constant anxiety attack the rest of that night, and the entire next day, before I finally calmed down.

Luckily, her mom texted me the next day and told me that they were taking care of my ex, so I didn't have to worry, and later that day she told me to come talk to her so I at least got to hear what she had to say. Though, she didn't really say anything at all, other than that she couldn't remember anything. The entire time that I sat there, she just cried and stared at the empty air in front of her. Whatever happened that night, something snapped inside of her, and now she's broken. They're talking about getting her submitted to a psychiatric clinic...

I only wish I knew what was going on inside her head. I understand that something she had hidden away suddenly caught up to her and caused her pain, and now she's trying to run away from whatever that is by just shutting down her entire system. It's safer that way. I know all too well, cause I've been there myself, but I also know very well what she's like and how she deals with things. Deep down inside, she doesn't want to be put away in a clinic. It hasn't helped her before, and she herself has told me that something like that won't ever help her. She's still there, behind everything, hiding, and all someone needs to do is reach her. I'm not sure if I'd be able to, though I certainly wish I could. Maybe that'd be better for her.

All I know is that she's running from this problem. There's something there, something she has refused to deal with that is now out of its box, and instead of dealing with it she shuts everything out and refuse to face it. She's not even capable of talking to the people around her, cause that's how scared she is. She simply shut down, as a simple and safe solution from her point of view. And I know it's not a good solution. If she doesn't snap out of it, they'll have her submitted. But, as I said, I'm not sure I'd be able to reach her and help her snap out of it. She won't even see me or talk to me. So, there really isn't anything I can do.

So, I just sit here. And worry. And pray that she'll be alright. Cause, honest to god, that woman is the love of my life, and I'd do anything for her to be okay.