Everyone who knows me know that I've been drawing and doodling and getting lost within my own fantasy ever since I was a little girl. Reality just never did it for me, so I found my own little world in which I grew up. This world was a natural part of me, just like my appearance or my personality, and without it I wouldn't even be today. Though, it wasn't until I met my best and closest friend, at the age of 11-12, that this world really started developing as the two of us started exploring it together. It grew from one little world and into an entire multiverse. My home.
And my entire life I've dreamt of somehow making this world "real" by sharing it with the rest of the world.
But, it was back when The Legend of Zelda The Ocarina of Time first came out on Nintendo 64 and I held it in my own two hands, that my first real dream came to be; I wanted to be a game designer.
Everyone knows I'm a huge fan of Final Fantasy, and have been ever since I first laid eyes on Final Fantasy VII and fell in love, but in truth it was Ocarina of Time that got me hooked on the gaming dream. From that moment on, I knew that what I wanted most in life was to be able to design and publish my own games. It was right there and then that my first attempts at designing, drawing and writing a game began, and I still have all those drawings. To me, they're treasure.
As I've grown and developed, so has this world that I grew up in. Stories unfolded, new people emerged, and new worlds became open for exploring. Together, me and my best friend took a deep dive into this vast world, and more or less stayed there. When I tell people that she and I share worlds between us, I mean it quite literally. I don't think anyone at all share such a unique world, nor such amazing stories. And for years, I've worked so hard on drawing and writing so that one day I would somehow be able to publish something from this world of ours. And while I've been working, I've grown more and more fond of the idea of making this world into a game. As I'm drowning in ideas, I can see that this world would be perfect as a game world, which will give the rest of the world a chance to play their way through the place that is my home.
The problem, however, is finding a way to make it into a game.
I have neither the skills, nor the funds, nor the right connections to create a game.
I cling to this dream of mine, like a child clinging to its mother, and never will I let it go. Though I have no idea how, I know that one day this world will be made real. But, I have to shamefully admit that as time passes, I do fear that I'll never be able to realize this dream of mine. It just seem so unreachable! Yes, I have the ideas, yes, I have the people and the designs, and yes, I have the stories. But actually creating a game involves a lot of other skills within programming and such, and those are the skills I lack.
One of my options would be to go back to school and get an education to develop the skills that I lack, which'll probably take me many, many years to do, and when I'm done I can start attempting to make a game on my own with whatever skills I have. It's an option, yes, but a very unlikely one.
Another option would be to put together a very good presentation of this world and my ideas, and take them all with me to an actual gaming company and pray that they'll find the time to look at it. And if they do look at it, pray that they'll like it and actually decide that they want to create it. A good option, yes, but a very difficult one.
A third option would be to see if I can get the funds somehow to start my own gaming company from the ground of, searching out the right type of people to hire and do research on what is generally needed to establish a company like this. Without a doubt my most favourite option seeing as owning my own company have always been a dream of mine, but it's a long and hard road to travel.
But, in the end, all of this requires courage.
And as previously mentioned, courage is one of the things I'm lacking...
My main problem is that I allow my anxiety to dictate my life.
Homework
My anxiety is without a doubt one of my biggest problems, along with my complete lack of self-esteem, and my psychologist clearly mean it is a severe thing. My anxiety is so intense, that it has become a part of my personality, which is one of the reasons for why I am diagnosed with a severe Anxious Personality Disorder. Up until now, my psychologist have been hesitant about doing anxiety training, from fear of just making matters worse, but now we've gotten to the point where starting a very harsh training is just about the only solution. Either way, it's quite clear that I can't, and won't, continue my life this way. Something's got to change.
She gave me homework today, and just thinking about it makes me so anxious that I start to shake and can barely even type. She wants me to contact one person - it doesn't matter who - and ask this person to go to town and have a cup of coffee together. This is way beyond my safety zone, which is probably a part of the point, and I have no idea how to muster up the courage to do that. I don't even know who to contact!
It had to be someone who's outside my safety zone, of course, but that includes just about the entire rest of the world. The only people in my safety zone is my own mother, and my two lovely sisters. My best friend is also in the safety zone, but mainly when we have contact. When we haven't had contact in a while, she moves out of my safety zone, and I get too afraid to contact her, unfortunately. It totally sucks, but that's typically my anxiety. Either way, since she's technically inside my safety zone, for the most part, I can't really use her in this homework of mine, according to my psychologist.
This leaves me completely clueless on who to contact for a cup of coffee. One simple cup of coffee in town! And my nerves are threatening with a complete shut-down by just the thought of it... I've got one week to complete this homework of mine, and I'm honestly tempted to just dig myself a hole beneath my bed and stay there the rest of my life. I am such a hopeless wreck.
I know I have to start somewhere to hopefully manage to solve my problems, but it's not an easy task. I know I let my anxiety control my life, I know I have no faith in myself and my own worth, I know I'm a hopeless wreck, and I definitely know I need to do something about it! But, trust me when I say that it's easier said than done. When my anxiety is so bad that I have to force myself to call my own mother or go online, then it's pretty bad. I don't dare pick up my phone and send my best and most dearest friend a simple text message! Just walking out my own door requires me to have my mother there to more or less hold my hand, or I don't dare to! My apartment is my main safety zone, and I'm too damned scared to leave it.
Of course, the main reasons behind my anxieties is my fear of being rejected. It's the result of having had every single person who ever told me they loved me leave me. Having been rejected, betrayed and left so many times by those I love kind of leaves marks. I'm too afraid to trust people now. I don't dare let them in. I don't dare to contact them from fear of being rejected. I don't dare love people, for the fear of them leaving me. I don't believe anyone can love me. I stopped believing that a long time ago.
I don't consider myself being worth anything at all. I honestly believe that even if people are nice to me, they really think I'm an idiot. That I'm annoying. That I complain a lot. That I'm insane. That I'm too much of a burden. That I'm just a waist of time. That I'm just plain worthless. These are part of my daily thoughts, my reality. This is the image I have in my head. And one of the reasons for why I don't dare to have social contact is from the fear of having these thoughts confirmed. One thing is thinking it, another thing is to get it slammed in my face. That alone blocks my way, and keeps me from contacting people.
When all these fears, the negativity, lack of self-esteem and anxiety has become such an essential part of who I am, how do I change? How do I change my life for the better? How do I change who I am and how I think? How can I take all these problems, turn them around, and make them into something good? I have absolutely no idea.
I once knew who I was. I've seen the core of my being, tasted a small part of me, so I know. I know who I could've been. And that person is still inside me somewhere, hidden beneath all the fear and the anxiety, locked away in some hidden box. I know I could be that person! I just don't know how. How do I dig out myself from underneath so much bad? How do I clean up the mess that make up who I am today, to bring out who I truly should be? Where do I even begin? Is it even possible? I have no idea.
I don't even know if I'm capable of doing this one homework my psychologist gave me.
So where's the hope?
This is probably the clearest explanation of your aspirations and what you need to achieve them that I've seen you pull together in one place. Like you, I like the sound of the third option because I'm totally angling for a place in your company. I'm sure Wings and Raye would agree with me.
SvarSlettGood luck with your homework! You could choose someone from your Facebook friends, narrowing them down by proximity, how much they like coffee, and how awesomely Nordic their names are.
* sniff sniff in Sophie's comment * did I see my name there xD?
SvarSlettnarf. I'd love to go for a cup of coffee with you =3 [ and probably will, in a few months ] I started drinking coffee out of necessity only a month or so back. I don't know if it really effects me, but at least mentally I believe I have more energy and keep awake >.< I got used to the taste, but still need huge amounts of sugar [ brown, mind you! ] to take it down, and find the whole " aroma " of it a bit less than rotten egg stinky xD
and it's always feels a bit strange to ask someone out after a long time you didn't d so. your not alone in this. the hard thing is to dive in. and in worst case scenario, say " look, a bird! " while pointing over the head of your friend, and spike his/her coffee while they look back. things are bound to go smoothly after this xD
as for the company, you are right in your assessment. the first step would be to study the subject academically. I assume it will take about 2 - 4 years to accomplish, but you are not in lack of time. just to remind you - the average age at my my first year uni class is 26. [ we even have people over 30 ]. go girl! I'm waiting to the time I'd be able to apply a position.