I'm not sure. Define "alive." If you mean as in not dead, then yes, I suppose I am alive. If you mean as in actually living and not just existing, then no.
Let's just stick to saying that I am existing, and I am existing very well, thank you very much.
Blargl.
No, really, I'm fine. I always am, in the end. I've got fucktons of experience on the subject, so yeah. I know I'll pull through, as always. And when I say I've got a lot of experience, I really mean it. The first time I ever showed any signs of anxiety and/or depression was when I was 10 years old. We still have no idea what caused it, or what was really going on back then, but mum tells me that something caused me to change rather drastically when I was around that age.
Actually, no, not entirely true. My first proper anxiety problems was when I was a baby, apparently, and they kept up until I was at least 3, possibly older. But we know the reasons for that, so I don't really pay it much mind. Besides, I was so little back then that I can't remember anything of it. Not that I remember my childhood at all, but you know what I mean.
My point, though, is that I have a lot of experience with mental problems. Mainly anxiety and depression, but I also developed an Avoidant Personality Disorder, and a Dependant Personality Disorder. Basically, I couldn't handle confrontation for shit and would break down if anyone confronted me about stuff, and I was dependant on a lot of things and people and could get horribly depressed or suicidal if I was rejected. And then stuff just kept rolling, and I developed all sorts of fun extra mental disorders, to the point where I finally crashed and burned.
I do know the main reasons for a lot of these problems. More specifically, I know the people and the surroundings that has caused it, and why. But these are all things of the past, so I try to put it all behind me and not think about it too much. Complaining about them now won't fix anything anyway, so why bother?
Again, the point I'm trying to make here is that I've had at least over 20 years of constant mental problems, so I've got experience. I know, more than anyone, what it's like for me to struggle, and what helps and what doesn't. I am the only one that can actually deal with it, and try to sort it out. I get that people want to help, and that they think they're being nice by trying to suggest things I can do - or when they politely tell me to pull myself together and stop complaining - but in all seriousness; Fuck. Off. You're not helping. You have had your problems, and you know what worked for you, but you have NO IDEA what's going on inside my head, or how to fix it. Trying to butt in will make it worse. What I want from you - what I NEED from you - is to just accept that I have problems, give me the space I need, and provide a nice shoulder to cry on, or give me hugs when I need them, or just be a wall I can rant to. There's no need to look for the right words, cause you really don't need to say anything at all. Hugs and chocolate is your best weapon!
And I mean that, from the bottom of my heart, so please take it in.
And yes, I may be at the bottom of a dark pit right now, and I feel like giving up, but I won't. I will be fine, in the end, so there's no reason to panic. I've been in WAY worse places, and during those times I was all on my own and no one even knew what I was struggling with. So yeah, I'll survive. Just give me time, and room, and don't put any kind of pressure on me, and I'll figure things out.
One giant realisation I've had regarding myself and my issues is that I can't do deadlines. I've always had trouble sticking to them, and getting things done in time, and I've always gotten so horribly stressed that it has caused anxiety and depression. This pension I am on is not because of my fibromyalgia, but because they concluded that I have such a horrible stress problem that I will never actually function in a job setting ever again. Yes, that is what they said to me back then, and I never really fully understood the meaning of it. Until now.
The very moment I put a deadline on something - "Oh, I'll get this done by then and then, no worries. Got lots of time before that." - is when everything inside me falls apart. I'm not even joking. I start getting stressed over nothing, I generally have more bad days where I feel tired and depressed, I get more anxiety attacks, and my body falls apart physically as well, as I get more fibro-pain than usual. I never really managed to make the connection there, but now I do. I said I'd get my apartment finished in time for Xmas a while back, and I haven't been able to lift a god damned finger ever since.
I literally have such a serious stress problem that the moment I get a deadline of any kind, I fall apart. Which is what they meant back then when they told me I should apply to be put on this pension. I crack under pressure, basically.
Not a fun realisation, that, cause it makes me feel even more useless, but I'm glad I finally see it now. It'll make it easier for me to handle things, cause I know what kind of limitations I have, and that I have to take them into consideration at all times. Which'll make it easier for me to deal with my struggles and get myself out of this pit.
What else is new?
I finished Life is Strange, the game I mentioned in my previous entry. Man, what an emotional rollercoaster that was. I think I cried through the entire last episode, just trying my best to make the right choices and get through it. It's such a giant mindfuck in itself, that game, so when adding in how much I identify with the main character it just makes me want to implode. It is, hands down, one of the best and most well made games I have ever played. I easily give it a 10/10, and I'll definitely play it again - when I'm less fucked up.
Also, I moved on to a new game. My faulty graphics card finally got replaced, and so I could have a go at Skyrim. My brother bought it for me back in 2013, but I hadn't been able to play it yet because of the g.card being what it was. And now... I have said good bye to the real world as I permanently set up home in the wonderful world of Tamriel - in the region of Skyrim. Yeah, the game is pretty damned awesome, and I'm finally understanding all the hype it got. It's perfect for my stealthy archer Ryniah and her way of playing.
Hmm, anything else...?
Ah, RWBY started up again, with volume 3! Super hyped about that, cause it's one of my absolute favourite shows ever. So that's kind of awesome. I also had a pretty neat Halloween celebration, and I was really pleased with my costume. Oh, and the party was my brother's first official party, and apparently he had a really great time! That makes me really happy to think about. It's raining. A lot. I'm basically uncapable of living at all right now, cause the weather is being a bitch. It's depressing, but I manage. I've started doing weirdo late night doodles, where I just draw without thinking. Haven't done that in years, so it's interesting to have a go at that again. So far the results have been... Odd. Oh! And I've decided to start working on one of the languages from my work - SoA - again, and this time I want to do it more properly. So that's nice.
I don't really know what else to say. Life is what it is, you know?
I'm existing, and I think that should be enough for now.
Oh, actually, one last thing - a question!
I tend to share my new blog entries on FB, because I know I have readers that appreciate it since it means that they don't have to keep checking my blog daily to see if I've posted anything (especially now when there's so much time between my entries), and I want to know if I should keep doing that. Should I stick to posting blog updates on FB? Should I post them on twitter instead? Should I post them on both places? Or neither? Can't seem to agree with myselves on that matter, so input would be nice.
So, yeah.
Until next time, my dears - stay awesome~
Post on facebook, I think.
SvarSlettThanks for the feedback ^o^
Slett