You know what the worst part of being a woman and having periods is? It's not the cramps, nor the bleeding, but the god damn mood swings. Going from being on top of the world to suddenly wanting to die in a matter of seconds is so fucking annoying. Especially when you're used to being on an emotional rollercoaster pretty much every day of the year.
Ah, yes, I'm just swell.
The good days are good, and the bad days are bad.
My last proper update was in August, so I figured it was time for a new one now. Things have been hectic (mainly in my head), so I just haven't felt up for sitting down and putting words to how I've been. I spent a couple of weeks at my parent's place back in August, while my bathroom got renovations done, but I moved back as soon as the toilet got installed again. I love my family, but having people around me when I'm fighting such hard battles inside myself is just too tiring for everyone. That, and I literally had no alone time, which is hard when you're an introvert. And, also, I became a burden. They didn't say so out loud, but I felt it, and it crushed me. I can't stand that feeling.
Renovations aren't done just yet, but it's just minor things left so I'll manage to get it done. Things are going somewhat slow because autumn is here with all its darkness and rain, and it's killing both my body as well as my head, but I'm determined to be done with ALL the renovations in the entire apartment before Xmas this year.
I just hope I can manage that.
Aww, man, I have way too many things I want to rant about right now, but I just don't feel like writing any of them down. Besides, ranting won't really get me anywhere, nor fix anything, so why the fuck bother. Wow, weirdo mood, much?
Life... Is strange.
I got hooked on a game I accidentally stumbled over a couple of days ago. One of the pages I follow on facebook posted a picture of two girls, and one of of them looked exactly like I did when I was younger (and I still had my natural brown haircolour), while the other one had blue hair - just like I do right now. Naturally, that pricked my interest, and I had to ask where the pic was from, and I got directed towards a game; Life is Strange. It looked somewhat interesting, so I made a note out of it, and the next day I hunted it down on Steam and bought it.
And, wow. I played the first episode on friday, and it just totally blew my mind. It's one hell of a game, and its attention to detail is just insane, and it even has time travel in it - my number one favourite thing to obsess over. And then there's the whole thing about it totally kicking me in the stomach by reminding me of really personal things.
The main character, Max, really reminds me of myself. Or, rather, the person I once used to be. She's an awkward and geeky artist (though she takes pictures instead of drawing, and, man, she has an old instant development camera, which is something I've been wanting for years), and the whole game is about how she came back to her home town after having been away for five years. And then there's her best friend, Chloe, whom has totally changed and gotten herself into quite a lot of trouble - which includes drugs - and so many other things that makes me draw parallels to my own life and people in it. The whole game has gotten me on a real trippy nostalgia trip, and I'm not sure whether it's a good or a bad thing. Either way, it has pushed me into a somewhat strange corner - both thought and mood-wise.
On the upside, it has made me want to do more art just for the sake of doing art. I used to do that a lot, in the past, but for so many years now I've been treating drawing as a job. Because, well, it kind of is my job - or at least as close as I can get to one. Dedicating my life to getting out everything I have in my head through drawing and writing has sort of taken over my entire existence, and I've almost stopped enjoying art because of it. I've also gotten seriously touchy when it comes to my art, to the point where I'm pretty much taking everything as an insult when people comment on it. I don't know how the hell that happened, or why, but I do know that I see it now, and that it bothers me. It shouldn't be like that. I took a wrong turn somewhere.
I kind of want to rewind.
Heh, lame Life is Strange pun intended.
But, you know, it's kind of weird, but to be honest I don't want to go back in time. Yeah, sure, there's been a lot of shit in my past, and there's a lot of things in my life I wish was different, but I still wouldn't want to actually go back and change anything. I am where I am for a reason, and instead of regretting past choices I should focus on figuring out those reasons. I think that's what everyone should do when they're struggling. Stop focusing on all the things you should've done differently, and instead try to figure out how to make the best of the consequences of those choices. Life is a lesson, so pay attention and learn. That really is the best way to handle life.
Anywho.
My inner demon backed down a while back, right in the middle of our fighting. Not sure why, though. She just suddenly went all quiet on me, and has been ever since. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, nor do I know if I want her to stay away or to come out and fight so I can be done with it. Does her disappearance mean that I am slowly winning this thing, or does it mean that I'm on the verge of losing? It's so damned hard to tell.
I want to go out more. As in, actually leave the apartment and do something other than sit here and stare at a computer screen. It doesn't necessarily mean I want to go out and be among people - let's face it; I'll never a proper social and extroverted person, and I'm fine with that - but I want to see more than just the walls of my own home. I want more air, both literally and metaphorically. Metaphorically... Is that even a word? I don't know. Doesn't matter. My point is that I miss being able to go out and do something on my own. The fibroshit has really fucked me over on that area, cause I can't do a damn thing without having someone to drive me around, and I'm constantly depending on having that god damned cane with me wherever I go.
Ugh. Now I'm ranting. Come one, you freak, ranting won't get you anywhere, so stop that. Instead of crying over problems, try using that energy to find solutions. That'll get you a lot further than ranting ever will.
But yeah, I have a cane now, as I've mentioned before. Now, I just want to clarify one thing; yes, I can walk just fine without it. When I'm at home, I don't use it at all. But, the main reason for that is that when I'm at home, I'm not moving around too much, and I sit down for a while every time I've been walking - even if it's just a short trip to the kitchen and back again. I can walk just fine on most days, but not for long. After walking for a little bit, my legs get tired, and they go from just aching to really hurting, and when that happens I need to sit down immediately. If I don't, then the pain'll just get worse, to the point where it'll hurt like fuck for the rest of the day, even if I'm sitting. Which is why I have the cane. For one, it allows me a tiny bit of rest since I can lean on it whenever I stop, and it also helps take away some of the pressure off my legs while I'm walking. And, most importantly, having it there reminds me that I need to take it easy and don't push myself too much, which is something I tend to do way too often.
My point is that even though I may appear totally fine, and able to walk around without the cane, I can't do so for long without seriously hurting myself. I need very regular breaks, and the possibility to sit down the moment I feel tired, which makes leaving the apartment really hard for me. When I'm at home, I can sit whenever and wherever I want, so I'm not troubled with too much pain. It's a whole different matter when I go somewhere, which is one of the main reasons for why I just stay at home instead. Less pain equals better days.
Aaaand, I'm back to the ranting again. Seriously, woman, pull yourself together. You whine too much, as people so politely have pointed out, so just suck it up. Focus on something else instead.
Like wrapping up this entry before you rant the damned thing to death.
Yeah.
Good plan, that.
Hope all of you lovely creatures out there are doing good, and that life is treating you well. If it isn't, then kick life in its god damned balls, and give it the finger. Aight? Love you all, my lovelies~
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