One breath at a time

How's things? Up and down. You know; the good days are good, and the bad days are bad.

It seems my mood-level only exists on
"We're doing great, and everything's gonna be okay!"
"We're tired, but it's fine; we're gonna be fine. Things'll be okay."
"Can I sleep forever? I need a vacation from things."
"I'm tired of breathing. Tired of existing. Can't I just disappear forever?"
So, yeah. Up and down - but that's not unusual. We'll manage, I'm sure of it.

There's just a lot going on right now.

My depression is being an absolute asshole, as usual, and it drags all kinds of bad stuff with it, which is hard to deal with. And the fibromyalgia ain't getting better - on the contrary, it just keeps getting worse, and that's not doing wonders for my mood and my depression. And in the middle of all that, my family is going through a really horribly tough period, cause there are some really bad things going on, which leaves me in a constant state of worry regarding several of my family members - some more than others. And this is all really hard for me, and I'm trying my best to deal with it all, but to top things off, one of my disorders have decided to blow up in my face, which makes things a gazillion times more complicated. I've lived with that disorder for over half of my life, but have always managed to be somewhat discreet about it, and only during the later years have I slowly started to inform people around me about it. And now it decided to give me a swift kick to my behind, forcing me to "come out of the closet" about it in a rather harsh way. So, yeah, that's tough. And it couldn't have come at a worse time, all things considered.

But I suppose I better just suck it up and deal with it somehow. Which I will, I assure you. I've never come out of the closet regarding my sexuality, cause no one really thought I was straight to begin with, so this is my big coming out thing. And it's terrifying as fuck, but I suppose it needs to happen. So I'm preparing myself, and those around me, for that, and my next blog entry will most likely be dealing with that.

But for now, I'm just doing my best to get through the days. And I do, really. Things are hard, but I'm a lot stronger now than I used to - and I have better tools at my disposal now, as well as a kind of backup I've never had before - so I'll manage. We'll manage.

So, what's new?

Saw my ex the other day, at the grocery store, with her mother, aunt, and one of the kids, which was really weird. I didn't even recognise her at first, and had to look twice before I saw that it was her. Didn't talk to her or anything, and more or less treated her as a stranger I've never met before. Which is true, really. Some part of me knew some part of her a long time ago, but not anymore. I don't know who she is, and she certainly doesn't know who I am, so we're strangers, simple as that. But, man, she looked really bad. Tired and dragged, and so grey and invisible - I've never seen her like that. No part of me have seen her like that. It just made me feel really sorry for her, cause she looked so anonymous and broken.

The part of me that used to know her, knew a vibrant and colourful person that - despite her many flaws - had bright sides to her that could light up a room. And looking passed how badly she treated that person that used to be me, she was there for us in a way no one else was. And Aswa... She will always love her, no matter what. And that's okay, I accept it - Aswa is entitled to have the feelings she has, as long as she leaves me out of them. But yeah, the person in my memory is so incredibly different from the person I saw at the grocery store. Is that who she really is? Is that her true self? If so, then yeah, I just feel sorry for her. And not in a I'm looking down on her kind of way, but truly honestly I just feel sorry for her.

I asked Ahsk about his opinion on her, since I know he used to have the hots for her, and his only reply was "She walked away from us, and I have no need for anyone that would walk away from me and mine." with a shrug, so that's that. The others doesn't really have any set opinions regarding her, as far as I can tell - only one of them really met her. And me? Well, as I said, I've never met her. I came to be after she was out of our life, so I have no idea who she is - and thus I have no real opinion about her. I know everyone around me - friends and family - all really dislike her (some even hate her) and have nothing but bad things to say about her. They might think I'm stupid, but I stand by my statement. To me she is a stranger, and a stranger that seems so grey and broken, and I can't help but feel sorry for that stranger, because that's the kind of person I am.

But I won't take the problems of a stranger onto me, cause it's none of my business, so I give it little thought - aside from these immediate ones after going home that day - and that's that.

Speaking of home.

Mine is as chaotic as ever, but Ahsk started on a plan that seems decent, and easy enough to follow, so I'mma try and stick to that one and see if I can get anywhere with it. The most important part of that plan is NOT looking at the entire apartment and everything that needs to be done, and instead just focusing on one tiny thing at a time. The bedroom has been fully sorted out, so I'm just working on slowly bringing the stuff in the livingroom that's supposed to be in the bedroom in here and sorted into their proper place. So far it's going well. It's going slow, but that's okay. I'm no longer in a hurry to get things done, and I have no set deadline, so I am taking small steps and taking all the time I need. After all; this is my home, and I'm the only person it affects. What everyone else thinks? Not important, cause they don't live here. Simple as that.

And that way of thinking - yes, thank you Ahsk, you smug bastard, I know it's thanks to you, shut up - is making things a lot easier for me to deal with, so I don't feel so suffocated by my home anymore. As long as I just get to follow this little plan in front of me, without anyone else butting in, I should be fine. It doesn't matter if I don't finish in time for Xmas - I'm not gonna celebrate it here anyway. So, yeah. Things are chaotic, but it's okay. We're getting through it.

That, and all other things going on right now, is what's getting most of my attention these days, and I'm just focusing on getting through things one day at a time. And I have Skyrim to escape to when I need it, which is really nice. I've gotten really addicted to Skyrim, but I don't mind. It's an enjoyable game, and it's also really inspiring, which is neat. I take all the inspiration I can get, whenever I can get it, and try to do the best of it.

I still don't feel up for leaving the apartment much, but I'm okay with that. Everyone else around me isn't, but, to be a bit selfish and mean; I don't give a fuck. My life and how I handle things in it is up to me, and me alone. I do things my way, and I'm tired of having to excuse that or trying to please everyone else with my choices. As long as I'm not intentionally and badly hurting someone else, then I can do as I damn well please, and that is not something that is up for discussion. How I handle anything at all in my life is all up to me, really, and although people are entitled to their opinions, they really have no say in the matter.

What else?

Fell in love with a new artist, that had a lot of songs that reminded me of personal things. Not the entire songs, but various lines here and there, and they sink into my soul in a way few words do. Of course, there are a couple of the songs that really fits me well, and not just small lines, and I've grown very attached to those. It's hard to pick a favourite, but if I have to then I'd have to go for "Control", cause there are no other songs out there that portray parts of my life in such a perfect way. So, to wrap this up, have a listen to my newest musical obsession - Halsey.