This is just a heads up - no need to panic

I'm depressed.

So, that was a fun realization I had this morning. But it makes sense, now that I think about it. The constant lack of energy and will to do anything, shutting myself in and not wanting people around me, feeling drained and hollow, random crying fits that can last for hours, the need to drown myself in my work, obsessing obsessively over one specific character, hours of just staring at the wall, wanting to sleep all the time and not managing to get out of bed in the morning, and struggling to talk to people - irl and online. These are all things I've struggled with back when I was seriously depressed, and these are all things that are back now. So, okay, I'm depressed again.

It's weird, cause the medication I am on for my fibromyalgia is supposed to be anti-depressants as well. Although, in the past, anti-depressants never worked on me, so I shouldn't be too surprised. I guess the biggest issue here is that I was naive enough to think that once I got over my depression, I'd never get it back again. But yeah, lesson now learned.

I'm not too freaked about it, though. Actually, the moment I admitted to myself that I'm depressed - which was, literally, just this morning - I suddenly felt a whole lot better. It explains things, which is always better than just flailing about and trying to figure out why things are bad and not really understanding anything. So, yeah, I'm not worried about it or anything. I've gotten out of a depression before, and I'll do so again. And now that I know that that's what's going on, it'll be a whole lot easier working my way out of it. It'll take time, and it won't be easy, but that's okay. I'm prepared for that.

Aside from this entry (and probably talking to some of my closest friends and family to inform them on what's going on), I don't really feel the need to make a huge deal out of this, and tell everyone around me, and go see a doctor about it, cause I really don't want any of those things. I just want people to know that, okay, I've fallen into a depression again, so that they won't freak out on me if I withdraw from them. It's nothing personal, honestly. I know I haven't exactly been the most outgoing and social person of late due to my physical health, and now I'll be even less outgoing and social, but it's purely because of my health and for no other reason. I just don't have the capacity for anything anymore - I barely have enough capacity to drag this corpse of a body out of bed in the morning - so I need more time to myself. I don't know how long it'll take me to work things out. A couple of weeks, a couple of months, a couple of years - it's hard to say.

And no, I don't want a gazillion advice on how to tackle my depression - trust me; I know what I'm dealing with. I've lived with a depression for years, so I've got a pretty high level on the "handle depression" skill. I was, what, 26-27 when I finally got out of the one I had struggled with since early teenage years - quite possibly longer. That is a lot of years of experience of how to - and how NOT to - handle depressions. I think I can manage. Besides, what works for others might not necessarily work for me. I've come to realize that I'm not wired like most people, so I have to do things a bit differently, and that's okay.

And I definitely don't want peope telling me that "you just have to" or "if you just" or "don't be so negative" cause if you do that then I will punch you. No, in all seriousness, I will punch you. You don't just shake off a depression, nor will it help to do whatever else you think might do well because it sounds good in your head. If you're planning on "helping" then I can tell you right away to just bugger the fuck off. And I mean that in the most polite way possible. All I need is a hug every now and then, and, if I say I need to talk, for you to just sit there and listen to me rant so I can get things out of my system. Really, that's all I need. Oh, and chocolate. Chocolate tends to work well - as does all kinds of candy, really, and wine. I'll take that as well. Other than that; I'm all good. Don't worry about me, don't freak out, and don't panic about what to say or what not to say. I'm good. I'm over here, dealing with shit on my own, so you just worry about yourself. Okay? Okay.

Yeah, so, the point of this whole entry is to just give a heads up. I'm depressed. So, my already lacking capacity is even worse, and I can't do much. So, please don't expect much. That's about it, really. If I do need anything - from anyone - I will let you know. And if you don't listen, I'll nibble on you until I have the attention I need.

Are we good?
We're good.

Good.