I've always been angry with the world, but every now and then I just get plain pissed off. Why? Because the world teaches beautiful people that they're ugly, smart people that they're dumb, and skilled people that they can't do anything right. I know so many people that truly believe that they're not good enough, cause they don't meet the "perfect" ideals of the rest of the world, and it makes me angry. I've known people that have starved themselves because they're not supermodel skinny and therefore fat, in their eyes. People that cover themselves in makeup or too much or too little clothes cause they don't think they're pretty enough without it. People that have to pretend to be something they're not, cause they don't think they're good enough as themselves.
What is wrong with the world? And what is wrong with everyone believing the crap the world feeds them? You're not pretty if you don't look like that specific model from that specific ad. You're not smart if you can't solve that specific mathematic puzzle. You're not good enough if you can't do this or that. What kind of bullshit is that?! If being "perfect" means that you're supposed to fit into ONE specific mold, and be like everyone else, then fuck being perfect.
Why can't the world teach people that they're perfect just the way they are? That they're beautiful, smart and skilled and don't need to change themselves. And why can't people believe it when you tell them that? Why can't people learn to believe that they're good enough?
Sometimes I hate that.
I know what it's like though. Thinking you're not good enough.
Before I even learned to walk and talk, I learned that I wasn't good enough. That the things I did, I did wrong. That I was in the way, and that I was worthless. I learned early on that nothing I ever did was good enough, cause I'd be left either way. I'd be alone no matter what. That's how I grew up, learning that the only thing I could do good enough was to try and be invisible and to always do what I am told no matter what. To forget about myself and my own needs, and to always satisfy those around me no matter how much it might hurt me.
In school I learned that I was different. A freak. Worthless and hated. I got bullied the moment I started school, and up until the moment I quit school for good. All school ever taught me was that I wasn't good enough. That I'd always be unlike everyone else, and never fit in. That everyone would always hate me, just because I existed. My existence alone was the biggest sin in this world.
In the relationships I was in, I learned that I was stupid, worthless, and not good enough to love. I learned that even the ones that told me they'd love me forever couldn't stand to be around me for too long. They'd cheat on me. Leave me alone for hours or even days, even when I needed them. I learned that I was just a toy to be used, and that I could be thrown away if something better came along.
I don't even know how many times I've been left.
Or how many times I've cried because of it.
One of the most important lessons I've learned in life, is to never trust anyone who tells me they love me. Cause everyone who has, have either abused me, bullied me, cheated on me, lied to me, used me and abandoned me.
Be it lovers, friends or family. That's what they've all taught me about love...
From an early age, I learned to always give everything to everyone else. That I should do anything I possibly could to try and satisfy those around me, cause that's the only reason I existed. To satisfy others. I tried being me, several times, but every time I did I was beaten down and taught that ME wasn't good enough. So I abandoned ME a long, long time ago, for the sake of being whomever everyone else wanted me to be. I switched and changed around on myself and my personality, to try and please the people I met. To please friends, family, and eventually lovers. And I always failed. I couldn't even please the one person I've spent 15 years loving and doing absolutely everything for. I lived for her, and her alone. She gave me reason to breathe, and I did absolutely everything I possibly could to try and please her so that she'd love me back. And just when I thought I had succeeded, when she finally started telling me that she loved me, she too taught me that no matter what I did I'd never be good enough. That I was just a love-toy that could be thrown away as soon as something better came along.
This is what the world taught me. That's all I can remember from my life. That I'm not good enough. That I'm ugly. I'm too skinny or too fat. I'm stupid. I'm crazy. I'm too demanding. I'm not demanding enough. I'm too selfish. I'm not selfish enough. I can't do anything. I'm hopeless. I'm worthless. I'm nothing.
I shouldn't even exist.
People have asked me so many times why I've always hated the world.
And I've asked back; can you blame me?
But, eventually, I came to a point where that last drop made the water spill out of the container, and flood the area. Almost 27 years of taking all the shit that was thrown at me while apologizing for my existence finally came to a rather nasty stop. When the one person I trusted the most, and loved the most, broke that trust I had placed in her, and once more became one of the many to teach me how little I was worth, I decided that this was it. I've had enough. It had been building up inside me for months, this urge to finally stand up to the world and tell it to fuck off, and that last straw sent me over the edge. And I killed myself.
It took me 3 months of... Well, truth be told, you don't want to know what was going on inside me during those months. You wouldn't even believe me if I told you. But after 3 months of constant pain, I finally stood up. I was on my feet, and I suddenly realized that my own worth wasn't something the rest of the world could measure. And I decided that I was tired of being that person the whole world had been expecting me to be all my life. I was tired of hiding behind a mask, apologizing for existing, and ignoring myself just to please everyone else. That person I had been, that I had learned to hate so deeply, was dead.
It's hard, trying to take her place. A part of me want to drive in the same tracks she had been driving in all these years. Give the same answers she did when people ask me things. Act the same way she did around other people. Especially since people still confuse me with her. Even though she's dead, it's hard to put her away. It's hard to kill her habits. But I fight every day to ignore the small remnants of her, and stand up against the world around me. I'm fighting to be ME!
The girl you knew, is no more.
I'm teaching myself that I'm good enough. That I'm beautiful in my own way. That I'm neither fat, nor skinny. I'm perfect just the way I am. That I'm smart, when it comes to certain things. I'm skilled within the things I'm passionate about. I'm teaching myself that the opinions of the rest of the world is worth nothing next to my own opinons, and the opinions of my loved ones. I'm teaching myself to believe in who and what I am, and the things I can do. And to always have faith, and believe that good things will happen.
I'm teaching myself that no matter if I am a part of the crowd or a freak and an outsider, if I'm intelligent or stupid, if I'm this or that, I am still perfect. And I am perfect because I am ME. And if the world dislike that, then the world can go fuck itself. The only people I need in my life, are the ones who accept and love ME, no matter who I am. And the people who don't accept me, who tries to tell me that some part of me needs to change, be it my looks or personality, they don't deserve to be a part of my life.
I DON'T NEED TO PLEASE ANYONE BUT MYSELF.
And when I tell myself that, I also tell myself that if I can't learn to accept and love myself for who I am, then I don't need me in my life. Just like I didn't need that old me anymore, and disposed of her. And so I agreed with myself, for the first time ever, and discovered who I am deep inside. And now I'm teaching myself to accept that person, and to love that person without question, every single second of my existence. Cause she's perfect.
I wish more people could learn that about themselves. That they could see how amazing they are, and be satisfied. That they'd stop fighting so hard to be someone else, just to be "accepted" by the world. You're all so perfect, and I admire you all so much. You're beautiful. Smart. Intelligent. Skilled. Strong. And just simply amazing. I see that every time I look at you. Yet you can't see it yourself. I wish my eyes could be your mirror, so you could see your true self. You need it. You've lost faith in yourself, cause you've listened to the lies of the world. You've taken it's false lessons to heart, and made them a part of you. You've allowed them to beat you down and tell you you're not good enough.
And I want you to stop that.
I want you to stand up. I want you to see who you are, accept that person, and love that person. And I want you to tell the world to go fuck itself if it doesn't like what it sees, cause you're absolutely perfect just the way you are!
I want you to start believing in yourself.
Cause you deserve it. Cause you're worth more than you'll ever know.
